im having suicidal ideation and twitter is horrible

despite everything happening on twitter and in the usa right now, my problems not only lie in just the socio-political-economic(jeez) climate of america, but also the confines of my skull.

i was diagnosed around 3-4 years ago with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and ADHD leaning toward inattentive, though i know that alot of these disorders persisted well along my childhood as it does now.

though i knew that my depression was a problem, before i knew what i was in for, it failed to hit me with the realization that no matter how hard i will try, i will not be happy with the life i lead despite trying as hard as i can.

i can surround myself with friends but the only feeling i get from that is joy, and joy is temporary. i can surround myself with substances, but ill want to keep using stronger poisons until the 'right' one takes me out. substance is temporary. i can surround myself with hobbies or ideas, but doubt will always rock my mind.

doubt and regret will always follow me for the rest of my life. i feel like that one robot from that one teen titans go episode. all i know is pain.

but screw all that lets talk about whats been rocking my brain for the past few weeks

not only is my brain yelling slurs at me, but apparently the government want to, too. this circus is run by only the best clowns in the entertainment industry. alot of the alt right accounts on twitter are using the picture of cybertruck man doing a 'roman salute' as their profile header, i cant say the word cisgender on the app without getting ARRESTED FOR MY CRIMES AGAINST GOD and i saw donalds pecker like 3 times while just scrolling the tl. im not saying that twitter was a good place before elon brought a fuckin sink to twitter hq, but its significantly worse than before.

before elon(or BE as ive been calling it), all the discourse on twitter was usually just about a popular youtuber getting cancelled for being a kid diddler, all the twt communities beefing for no reason(specifically edtwt god its vile there), or saltydkdan.

now its just that except now you can say the nword and not get punished. this year is a black mirror episode in the making

sorry for yapping i couldn't sleep thank you for reading this blog to the end ig. bye

why are you still reading