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Introduction;
What is aromantism? It's an umbrella term and label that encapsulate a vast variety of microlabels about the lack or less felt presence of romantic feelings. What is love? What does it feels like? For many aromantic people, the descriptions people able to feel it doesn't seem to match with how they feel even toward lovers. Of course, the lack of romantic feelings doesn't prevent someone from caring for a partner, friends, family. Many people under the aromantic labels will enter a relationship with romantic undertone or romantic label because they genuinely appreciate the person and can see a future with them. There's multiples form of love that aren't all romantic and many aromantic experience them or a sliver of romance under specific conditions. Which birthed queer platonic relationship, a type of relationship that isn't tied to romantic love but is more then simple friendship. Of course, this introduction is a rather simplified and condensed explaination, it's rather surface level. If the topic interest you, I encourage you to research and read about other people under the umbrella's experience and how they label themselves.
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Now onto my experience.
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I've been in many romantic relationships but never understood what people meant when they said they were in love. When people would describe love to me, it sounded more like an anxiety disorder. The concept was just strange and felt foreign to me. And I was a heartbreaker as I just couldn't get this spark people keep mentionning, desperatly chasing after it and dropping people left and right. No matter how close I was, how much I cared about someone. In the end, it only felt empty to me. At that time, I had no word to label this absence of love.
And when I discovered I was aromantic was when I realised that I am simply unable to love in general. Platonic, familial, romantic.. It's just not an emotion I'm capable of and I've been mistaking obsession for love. I searched and searched until I came across the label aromantic, the descriptions matched me well enough. And it all seemed to click into place. From there on, I started to read about other aromantics's experiences and the microlabels under the aromantic umbrella. I ended up only feeling comfortable with the aromantic label.
I was then introduced to queer platonic relationship and I absolutely hated the concept. While I might be unable to love, I would like to be in a romantic relationship then be in something that's undefined. Of course, that's just me. But I would often seen QPR composed of 1 aroace and one person able to feel love, to me that felt like leading the person able to feel romantic attraction on and as a result I've decided to avoid those type of relationship. Of course, I'm glad they exist and many find joy in them, it's simply not for me! Haha.
Being aromantic is.. Lonely at time. I'm fine being alone but everyone around me has that one person they are building a life with. Of course, I have strong and long-term friendship. I'm actively building a future with my long time best friends, with plans and end-goals. But having someone by your-side to be against the world is very soothing in a way. To have someone you put as your main priority, to care about that person, put aside time for them and living with them. But alas, being aromantic mean that I'd be the one leading a partner on if I ever get in a relationship.
As a result, it feel lonely.
I'm not way more mature then when I was younger. I understand how to compromise and work for a relationship. But there's still this disconnect and most people when I say I'm aromantic but still willing to have a romantic relationship turn around. I don't blame them of course, I'd just like to one day meet someone willing to try and navigate life with me as partners.
And thus conclude my experience and thoughts. All are welcome to share about their own experiences or opinions. I'm welcoming of all walk of life!
Comments
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tamita~°•☆
It is definitely interesting that you view QPR in that lens. I discovered my aromanticism because of my autism being tied to it. I can experience love, just not in the same way others do. I've fluctuated my label from cupioromantic to demiromantic all the time and just opt to say I'm aro to make the long story short. And the fact that I have never been in a relationship before, or grew up with terrible romantic examples around me, makes the notion of sharing my life with someone foreign to me. Whenever I envision my future, even though I wouldn't mind having a significant other, I am more than content to be a single mother or raise my child within the village I call my friends and family. But the concept of QPR opens up and defies heteronormative expectations when it comes to forming partnerships. I sort of think of it this way. I'm also asexual, whoever ends up with me must know that they would have to give up the idea of having sex with me if they want to be with me. Am I leading them on if they agreed to those terms and conditions? QPR allows you to feel romantic towards me while knowing that, even though I love you or care about you in my own way, I can not reciprocate the way you want me to. I get that its not for everyone, just thought it was interesting how different we view it.
It certainly is! Even with your exemple, to me it's really just the notion of calling it platonic that would irk me when someone who isn't on the aromantic spectrum is involved. Even with the agreements, it would still feel like leading someone on to for me just for the fact one person involved isn't in this for platonic reasons. It's just a hard-stuck mentality I have for myself though I'm well aware it's just my view and opinions.
I had accidentally broken up a QPR because I had expressed my view and opinions due to the subject coming up.(I was asked to place a character I created into a QPRs and I was very opposed to the idea. So someone asked me in my DM about it.) And while they did express agreeing with my view and broke it off, I still felt guilty because if they were both happy, my opinion shouldn't matter since I'm against it when it come to my own person and my view is purely based on my own bias about it when it come to myself. Like when I say to me it feel like leading someone on is because that's how I'd feel in a QPR and I try my best to express myself as opinionated instead of as if what I say are facts. And even when I tried to let that person know that there was nothing leading on about their relationship just because I feel a certain way about them, they still ended up breaking it off. It was a bit distressing since it felt like I was the cause of this. I just hope that in my blog post, it was clear and understandable that I spoke purely out of personal opinion and wasn't trying to give QPRs a bad name from said opinion. I welcome feedback on this if you feel like something I said came off as such. :D
by Serkkiit; ; Report
Oh yes of course! You were very clear about the fact that it was only a matter of opinion, I just wanted to add my two cents. If anything, it is actually great that you share your perspective since aromanticism is so different for everyone, it should also be known that how we deal with different relationship dynamics can also be different.
by tamita~°•☆; ; Report
Okay, good!
And indeed, I really appreciated your comment and insight. ^^ There's a lot of stigma around aromantism and asexuality from people not on that spectrum too, so I'm really happy you shared your input on your experience and how you view QPRs.
by Serkkiit; ; Report