Writing project !!

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im gonna read this as i havent read anything online ina long time
ill reply to this to give updates

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I'm reading it over now so here are some things I will point out!

I understand that this is from a first person point of view, but for objects its hard for me as the reader to visualize objects when you don't describe them. You said it's a tasteless lantern? okay, what does tasteless mean to your character? does it have a tacky lamp shade like what you would see at a grandma's house? is it bland? I can't visualize the scene if I as the reader don't have all the details.

with the line 'What had caused what had happened, was not a she, not a he, not even a they. It was an it, an energy.' The grammar is a bit clunky here. specifically at the start. perhaps I would say 'What caused what had just taken place? This thing was not a she nor a he, or even a they.' that's just a suggestion though. I just find the 'was not a she etc...' a bit clunky. My suggestion with sentences like these is to say them out loud and see how the mouth feel is.

When you introduce the man with the grainy voice into the scene, it sounds as if its disembodied at first because you just describe a voice that is directed at the character. Perhaps introduce the fact that maybe he is standing in the room or sitting across from the character and then if you want to keep your description in that second part maybe only then your character even bothers to look at them or something.

'dragging out the ‘ee’ sound in alrighty' for this i suggest changing the enf to maybe 'dragging out the 'ee' sound' and end it there or change 'in alrighty' to 'sound at the end' i just feel that you don't need to reiterate that what he said was alrighty cause it's in the same line.

'he thought I was insane. So insane in fact, that I had led myself to believe that a simple thought had ended multiple lives. I wasn’t, I knew it wasn’t just a thought.' Here it's a little strange to go between the fact that he thought the character was insane into a section of the character acknowledging that they think they are insane? are they on the same page on that regard?

the random ... doesn't need to be there, it made me think that there was a scene break even though the moment continues.

'In my younger years, such as ages seven to fifteen' such as is a very strange word choice here, i would change it to 'from ages seven to fifteen'

I don't know much about your character but in the first chapter you establish they have a high standard of language that others use, but then in the second chapter their inner monologue is quite crude. Does your character feel both ways? is your character a hypocrite? I just feel that you need to make sure you understand how your character feels about language and make sure that possible hypocrisy is intentional in this case.

'such as Howlvard, Princeton' is this suppose to be Harvard university? you said they were applying to colleges. In the states i believe the connotation of a college verses a university holds some weight to people. Does this universe have an alternatively named version of Harvard? then why is Princeton still the same? I would say make both parody names or make only one a parody name. From my pov because they one was a different but similar name while the other was the same it looks like a typo and doesn't seem intentional.

'an actual mental hospital patient who needed institutionalization insane' the structure of this sentence is a bit strange to me , perhaps put ' ' on either side before insane. or here is a suggestion for the sentence 'I would simply go insane, 'a mental hospital patient who needed institutionalization' level of insanity.'

'doing some late night searches' I think I would change the wording to late night research here.

I think you have a strong foundation, just with some minor grammatical problems that are common in first drafts. it's an interesting set up, but you should definitely make sure when establishing these supernatural powers to define them strictly and stay within the bounds of what they can do. My suggestions are as follows

1. read some of your work out loud and see if it flows naturally when spoken.
2. when describing a scene something that you can do is ask your friend to draw (even crudely) what you have described to see how your scene looks from the eye of the reader. If it doesn't seem to come off as you envision it perhaps take some time to rework your language.
3. Make sure you understand your characters values in relationship with how they speak and make sure their their language is consistent.

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