letter 2 - 02/04/25

dear saracco,

i'm really bad at not thinking about you. this is the second letter i'm writing you today. i still check your location and that stupid discord server you have with your friends to know what you're up to and if you're okay. i'm trying to distract myself with my friends and video games but it feels like i'm sinking without you. to be fair you might be bad at not thinking about me either though. you were lurking on my instagram story earlier and liked one of the posts. i think we're really bad at no contact. maybe we're just really obsessed with each other. i don't know. you're talking to your friends right now and i'm talking to mine. but i hope you're thinking about me. because i know i'm thinking about you. fuck we never finished it takes two together. i guess there's a lot of things we never finished together. god do i miss you, saracco. it's only been two days. barely. it's so corny but i've been listening to a lot of depressing music so i can stew in my sadness. i don't want to let go of this feeling because it reminds me that i'm capable of love and that's one hundred times better than trying to forget about being hurt.

maybe i won't ever get better and be good enough for you. maybe you won't ever heal and be okay enough to treat me well. but i hope that we're able to meet up. be together. find each other again.

i miss you so much. it's so stupid that i do because it hasn't even been that long. but i guess that's what happens when you're in love. and when you love someone. i hope you miss me. even if you struggle with it.

there are some things that have happened since we broke up that's been bouncing around my head. i know that it hasn't been that long. but i saw my mom like an hour after we broke up. we talked about a lot of things. and i feel like it changed my view on a lot of things. i think i might change my major to computer science. which is a big change i know. going from psychology to comp sci is kind of a huge change. but i'm losing the passion i have for psychology and that's sad. my mom also called me out for having emotional dependency issues. which. yeah i probably do. but i'm gonna go to therapy and fix that i promise. 

i've distracted myself with my online friends and video games because i don't like being alone with myself at night. i think about you too much and then i cry. i feel so pathetic. i don't even know if you think about me too. i hope you do. but. who knows. maybe you're filling your time with friends. maybe you're filling your time with other things. like i am.

i wish that i could be mad at you. mad that you hurt me. but i'm not. i just feel so tired. and sad. like i knew that something was wrong, but there was nothing i could do about it. you said you felt numb when talking to me. but then you said that you loved me as much as i loved you. how am i supposed to feel? do you love me or are you tired of me? i'm sorry. maybe i was too mean. maybe i said the wrong things. but i love you. i love you so much. i love you in every way that i can. saracco i hope you find your peace. i hope you can find it with me someday. i don't even know what i'm saying anymore i just miss you haha.

yours, always,

tam