01-Monday February 3rd 1:05 am

(the dates will always be the day that I had not the day it is until I go to bed. so about 12 to 6 am is still the day before for these. LOL) 

ummm. hi. I've been keeping a physical diary for a while but I kind of hate writing. Ive always liked the idea of a public blog so maybe I'll keep up with it for that. spacehey seems like the perfect place for what I imagined in my head. I'll put tws when applicable but umm. it should be fine. I mean let me know if you need something?? this time I'm going to talk about intrusive thoughts if that bothers you. Im really not comfortable actually posting the worst of it LOL. umm. so today was fine. I felt like a lingering bad today. I've been bad all weekend really I dunno why. I got up at like 5pm twice in a row... 

i have therapy tomorrow. I'm going to write down all the stuff I want to talk about because last session was really awkward bc my memory is ass and I cant remember my problems. I've been dealing with some really upsetting intrusive thoughts though. so like score for something to talk about. her method of helping has really made things more... idk. like for anyone else... I don't know what I'm thinking in the moment but it's not like "I'm gonna do the bad thing" its like immense guilt and fear, which I then assign the words to yknow. and like action. my intrusive thoughts aren't murder but that's more comfortable so that's what ill say it is its like I look at the subject. then I feel really awful. and then I look at... like, their throat. and its like well no I don't want to choke them out but I then why did I look huh? non-murderers don't see someone and look at their most murdererable parts. and if you're not a murderer why did you have to turn away from them? non-murderers don't do that. non murderers don't even think about murdering. I would trust YOU with my murdererable family members (am I being too on the nose abt what it really is? Im not a bad person I promise) I dont think its outright ocd bc if it was I'd be... there'd be a compulsion involved right? I don't think there is though. 

I'm so scared all the time though i really am. I live alone so I think, I am CONVINCED that every single noise is someone breaking into my apartment. I heard what sounded like a light switch the other day and I freaked out so bad I couldn't stop looking at the crack in the door and then when I managed to sit down I looked at the mirror (I was in the bathroom.) Ive always had something about being watched and observed and stalked and I don't think thats true its not paranoia (I think its more like a weird fantasy tbh like someone likes me and is interested in me. hehe) but I think that's always put it in my head that it COULD technically be true. Im scared of cars so I cant cross the street (in my defense I was hit by one when I was 12 and it was bad). I actually struggle to go outside if there's someone else outside I will break down. do NOT come over its been way too long since I took the trash out SHHH. 

omg no today WASNT fine y'know what happened today?? I was thinking about an old friend from highschool who was never really personally my friend? but she was like in my group so we were friends. we haven't talked since before my boyfriend and I broke up though (important she and my ex WERE friends for a while but they seemed to have drifted apart as we were dating). so I see her public story and think "oh, I'm on her close friends story on my other account, I want to see if shes added anything to that". well I go look and I don't even see her public story. nor do I see a note or anything so i check the dms and click on her and!! I'm BLOCKED. yeah!! she didn't even say anything or anything?? but she failed block me on my main fucking account so I didn't even know!! shady ass move like she simply had to have not realized right?? so I.... soft blocked her on my main in case it was somehow a misunderstanding but I'm not going to ask if she wants to talk she can make the move. she blocked me she obviously doesn't want to talk. is my excuse but I really want to know??? and I do wonder if my ex has something to do with this!! if he was shit talking me (we had a pretty bad breakup and it was my fault for not doing it better. I'm not getting into that I don't care anymore it was october I've moved on.) or something but like fuck, talk to me!! clearly she didn't see us as friends but I always liked her and I always imagined that she could be my friend. I was thinking about her last night even. I'm not like horribly broken up about it but my BIGGEST fear (besides driving off the road and falling to my death) is that everyone secretly hates me because I'm secretly a bad person "murderer" (and like somehow secretly 12 is also part of it but less applicable here) and I don't even know but everyone else knows and they hate me so bad and they try to find ways to slip out and that's why nobody likes my posts on Tumblr or whatever the fuck I'm upset about at the time.

wow see cathartic. I would have never written all of this in my diary. I may as well outline what I may talk to my therapist about tomorrow. 

1. my mom told me to pay my tuition and it felt bad (we were talking about my weird money feelings last session I may not bring this up)

2. intrusive thoughts progress -> um bad. more aware and therefore feeling worse, but maybe that's like progress + how people don't trust people with this type of thoughts and that makes me scared I'm going to be "found out" for being secretly a "murderer" 

3. back to my... I don't like to call it depression bc its not horrifically hard like I DO the things that I need to do I just don't do them easily or when I don't HAVE to. + art block :( really bad (though its getting better . drew a picture YAY) though my mood swings are REALLY bad. bipolar runs in my family this could be like..... related.

4. omg I had this weird panic attack esque thing? probs not a panic attack those are long but it wasnt like my freakouts/meltdowns/anxiety attacks where I am Upset about a Thing that is True or I can Believe Is True In the Moment. I felt like my mouth was the wrong size. I suck my thumb (SHUT UPPP I KNOW IM 20) and there's this like spot in my mouth where my thumb goes (I KNOOWW I'll stop when I get braces <- cant afford them ever) and it felt like it didn't fit it was too small! and my tongue didn't fit either it felt too big it was weird as hell and I knew it wasn't true? but like, it was my experience, y'know?? it was so awful.  and then I was fine. + on a different day i was having another bad night? but then I had this weird pressure in my head and then I teared up and then I was really bad and then I was okay. and then the next day my art stopped being really bad. ?????

5. my brother and dad are fighting :( fortunately I don't live when them rn but I'm not going home for spring break/summer if theyre still doing that I literally hate those two together so much. and I side with my dad because my brother is an ASSHOLE he's such a dick!! he's got his own problems but he's such a dick I don't feel sympathetic to him anymore. I'm SORRY you're stuck in a deadend job but like Jesus Christ you can stand to help your grandmother you can stand to help your dad who you LIVE WITH who FEEDS YOU. which you WHINE ABOUT this isn't like "your parents are supposed to help you" anymore because you don't get to be 26 with a job like "noo my dad cooked microwave slop again what will i do" like bc you will go to the grocery store you work at and buy your own dinner if you don't like it!! I hate microwave slop too but I never said a damn word because you know what I wasn't doing? ANYTHING ABOUT IT. and he's been a dick to my siblings too the three youngest of us (there's 6 of us) have our own discord servers with the exact same people in it (the 6 of us and our mom) because its funny but my brother saw my sister deleted 1 message and started like getting on her ass about it I had to go full discord mod and go "hey man I don't care if you're technically right you are 11 years older than her, she is 15, you cannot act like this or people will not like you." and he didn't reply but I know if he did he'd go "Id rather be liked than have people like me" and then I'd kick him from the server because FUCK YOUUU I don't even care that you're nice to me sometimes like that's great and I do appreciate it but you need to handle yourself!!

got off track 6. my ex bf baked my mom cookies. is that weird? my mom thinks so. he has a girlfriend (he said so. to my mom) and my mom thinks it could have been him going through the contacts. he texted me also before which was just "we aren't going to be able to be friends" which is okay but he said he'd block my number. like I wasnt'..... texting him. idc man! I really feel like he has this fantasy (I don't say that to mean he's stupid but I think he does) that I'm going to come back to him! and I'm not going to Im not interested, I broke up with him! I remember when we were talking after the breakup he kept saying "if you want to date again Ill need you to do some things" never with my prompting I never implied I wanted that, and then he ended up listing out what those were and I never asked him and I just think its... yknow.

okay that's all today!! I really doubt most of these will be this long. but look how long! I'd never write this much its way too much. the benefits of a keyboard. I will eventually get my Chromebook to quit the autocorrecting so capital letters will be gone!! okay, goodbye!