04/02/24 quarter life crisis?

bro i don't even know what to say anymore. if you're reading this, good for you. maybe you can laugh with me because if we don't laugh, we'll cry.

i actually don't even know where to start, i've never felt this directionless before. so quick recap: i've been in the uk for nearly a month now, i have no job, no fancy college degree, no local friends (they're all back home). i don't have a driver's license or even the funds to buy a car.

alright so basically i feel like i'm stuck in an endless loop.

so i need a job because i need money. i don't have a bachelor's degree and i only have real experience in bartending. all the bartending jobs are at least 5 miles away from me.

i can't take public transport because if i finish a shift at 2am, i'm stranded until 8am. i can't drive because i don't have a license and i need to be in the country for another 5 MONTHS before i can even take a theory test.

i've been looking at so many local jobs in every fucking category and the majority are either 2 hours one way by public transport, i need a bachelor's degree or i need a license to even apply. i also can't do any remote jobs because i don't have a computer nor the money to afford one.

so then i started looking at training to be a stewardess so that i can make fucking bank on the yachts but the course costs £4500, which i obviously don't fucking have, and i'm not asking my parents back home for money because they're struggling enough as it is (part of why i even moved).

so to recap on the current situation: no job, no career, no fancy degree, no car, no license, no friends. limited money, limited support, limited fucking sanity. i miss my old routine, i'm still getting over my ex and i partly blame him for me ending up in the fucking situation. i feel like i've wasted the last 18 months of my life because i worked so fucking hard, getting qualifications and paying my dues in a shitty pub, just to end up back at square one.

oh and to top that all off, my dad is falling off the wagon again and he's back smoking and getting himself barred from the pub i worked at for literally calling my old manager a cunt and a whore and getting into a physical row. and i'm not even there to support my mam through this so she's putting up with all this on her own.

i feel like i am stuck in a hole and it's getting harder to find the motivation to even look for a way out. like i could apply for 10 jobs, i might hear back from 1. when i do hear back, i either don't pass the interview process or they fucking ghost me. it's like an endless cycle and i'm so sick of just constantly refreshing that fucking indeed page.

like i think about where i went so wrong. maybe i shouldn't of dropped out of college at 19, maybe i should've stuck out that bachelor's degree. then i wouldn't be bartending, i wouldn't of gone to greece and met my ex, and i wouldn't be in this position. BUT the way i feel now is exactly how i felt while i was doing that degree. depressed, unmotivated, directionless, isolated. like that shit almost killed me last time so dropping out was liTERALLY a matter of life or death.

sorry i am rambling now but i know no one's gonna read this so i feel like i can. i don't wanna bother people with this shit because apparently i'm "happy to keep someone up all night whingeing about how much harder i have life than everybody else" and no one wants to hear it. 

i'm trying to keep positive. i'm still getting out of bed, trying to remind myself that i got out of this cycle once, i can do it again. i just gotta hold out and keep looking, what's meant for me won't pass me by. i might be able to get some financial aid for the stewardess course, we're talking 50%. if i can, then i can do this course, work on some yachts and make some banging tips to help out my sister and sister in law. they're both out of work due to disability so they need help with rent and they want to have a family. also help out my mam too so she can pay off her debts.

okay yeah i'm realising that i need to do this course.