letter 1 - 02/03/2025

dear saracco,

there are a million things i could say to you. i don't think saying them would change things, but maybe it'd make me feel better. however, i can't say these things to you. not anymore. you said you needed space to heal from wounds that i and other inflicted and because i love you and i want you to be happy, i will respect that. i'm never going to move on from you. i don't think you'll ever move on from me. i think we're an inevitability on a cosmic scale. i think the stars look to us to know what fate is. maybe i am just trying to cope. cope with the "end" of what we had. i promised i would never leave you, not again. i kept my promise, you were the one who left this time. i know i messed up, i ruined things, it's what i do. but i thought you also loved me enough to watch me get better, enough to see that i was changing. i was changing for you. i know you love me. and i know that i love you. but why couldn't love be enough this time? why couldn't love be enough to stay? to fight? because i was fighting for us. i was really fighting. but when it's late at night, and no one else is awake, i'm left alone without the sound of your snoring to lull me asleep. you know i get annoyed whenever anyone else snores? whenever nate or jeff snored i got so annoyed and couldn't fall asleep. but your snores comforted me, saracco. it let me know you were there. that you were with me even when you were one thousand four hundred miles away.

i know you're hurting. i know i hurt you. but you've hurt me too. we hurt each other. i guess the difference is i heal easier when i have you and you can't heal when you have me.

but like i said. i know you love me. and i know i love you. our love is as beautiful as the constellation we were born under. it's warm like a raging fire that's just barely contained. it's as deep as your beautiful brown eyes. 

you're it for me saracco. you're my endgame.

yours, always,

tam