dreading work

I'm starting my new job tomorrow, and though I'm excited to try something new and finally have money of my own, I am absolutely dreading it. I hate hate hate work. at my last job I would have to stand so long my feet would be in excruciating pain by the end of my shift (I have flat feet, causes awful foot pain all the time). I seriously lost hope in humanity at that job because I discovered the general public is actually stupid and mean. its unbelievable just how many people are stupid and mean. this new job has way better benefits and working conditions, but who wants to work at a grocery store? every time I have to put work into something I don't care about, I become extremely sardonic. it feels like I'm wasting my life away if I'm not creating art or reading books or hanging out with my friends. wouldn't it be wonderful if that's all life had to be? that's my dream. I hate talk of "careers" because I never want to live to work. I never want to have a career. Even art, which I hope to be able to do for a living, I would never call a "career". It's a passion, a livelihood. I want to spend my life living, and having human experiences and doing things mammals are meant to do. not trudging through a boring day of work. 

this is exactly how I felt about school too. I think I just have serious issues understanding or connecting with the systems other people find easy or necessary. when I don't have passion for something, I really REALLY don't have passion for it. It's nearly impossible to make myself care. I flunked out of highschool because I couldn't even bring myself to finish a page of homework. Even though I knew I should, it didn't feel worth it, it all felt like a waste. Like nothing mattered.

eh, this honestly might be a sort of depression. It seems more obviously so when I'm reading back my own thoughts like this. or maybe I'm just the type of person meant to dedicated themselves to very few things in life. I know what I love and I never want to do anything else. It physically weighs me down to do anything else. 

Well, I have to have this job whether I like it or not. I desperately need the money. We are told we have "freedom" in life, but its never truly freedom. I don't have a choice about whether or not I get a job. I have to to live. The thought of that sort of makes me angry at everything. 

I'll enjoy it best as I can, though. At least I can buy the Splatoon3 Side Order DLC. and that adorable Jinx plushie I keep seeing pictures of. 

okay smell you later +_=