Where is my mind

sup ppl, just wanted to share something.

But, a few words for understanding at first

You know, i'm not that lind of person who complains abt life and stuff and all i'm gonna write here i'm gonna write as dry facts. Fuct number one, my life's a mess. Fuct number two, my father's disabled, so i'm basically growing up without a father, or rather without a father whose presence and excistense will be visible + watching him being all weak and sick. Fuct number three, i have ptsd, often i have to go through anxiety and panic attacks, also from time to time struggle with derealization. Number four, my relationship with mom are somewhere in a graveyard. Five, i only have two real friends, the others either betrayed me many times in the past, or still have weird ass behavior towards me sometimes. In general, my mind always wonders, i don't fucking know what to do or how to feel.

Usually i try to express whatever the fuck i feel through writing poems or songs, but lately i've been finding it hard to put what i feel into words, so i just keep it all in. But a few weeks ago my friend gave me a cigarette. I brought it home, didn't wanna try it at first, not feeling any need for it. But, i had an argument with my mom. Once again. And for the record, when i say that i had a argument with my mom, i always mean it was serious. Well, the reason for it wasn't, but what my mother turned it into was. So. The same eveniing i went to buy my friend a gift for her bday and before walking out of our apartament i took that cigarette and put it into the pocket of my jeans, took a lighter and left. When i was on the sreet, i put my headphones on, turned on a song. And by the way, this song probably was one of the things that made this moment special. The song was There Is a Light That Never Goes Out by The Smiths. I've always found this song strangely comforting. Anyways. I turned it on and lightened the cigarette. I started walking to the shop, with this song on and the smoke filling in my lungs and nostrils. And that moment felt so.. Safe, secure, comforting. For some reason. I was sure it was a one time thing, that i won't want it again. But ever since that moment i couldn't stop thinking about how i wanna do it again. I already missed this foreign feeling of safety and comfort, followed by the smell of the smoke i liked since i was a kid, and the feeling of a cigarette in between my fingers. So.. the same week i asked my friend if he could give me more of these. And he did.

So, later i smoked again. And then again. And again. I was enjoying every second of it, from lightning the cigarette to putting it out. I loved the process itself and the aforementioned things i was feeling during it. 

But one evening, i went back home after a math clesson with a tutor. Before coming home i smoked. I called my mom so she could send me money so i could buy myself a gum. But when she said no, i started almost.. begging, pleading. I sounded so desperate. She could already sense something was up. Well, she sent me money in the end. I bought a mint gum and started walking home, smoking, of course. Before coming into our apartament i took a few slices of gum and as soon as i walked in, i sprayed out A LOT of sweet cherry perfume. It always worked. But this time my mom walked into my room too soon, i didn't have time to wash my hands and put on any cream. And what do u think? Of course she smelled it.

We had a very long conversation. During it i found out that i'm a slut, a dirty wench and a lot of different things about myself. Forgot to mention, i'm Christian. I mean, now i'm.. Far from that, but still. I believe in God and everything like that. So. While having this convo my mom said something like a bless, but a thing that's completely opposite. My dream is to become a singer. I want that too much, i always have, ever since i was a little kid. So she said (almost quotting): "If u don't quit smoking, then ur whole career thing won't work out". What bullshit, u might say. Yeah. But i was tought and convinced that if a mother says something like a bless or an "antibless", then it really will be this way. So. I had to quit, because my dream is the only thing keeping me going and alive.

So what can i say about it? Ever since i stopped smoking, cigarettes are all i can think about. I have this almost physical need to smoke. I became easily irritated, lifeless and sometimes feelsomething like withdrawal. 

So in general, i hate how easily and fast i got atticted to necotine. 

But as soon as i make myself a creer (and i will, catch me on the next Grammys, babies), i will buy myself a pack of cigarettes and will smoke each cigarette that will be there. Mark my words

Xx, Angelina