entry #12 ---- im so tired

hi guyz.... it is 11:17 rn and js b4 i say anything else this is going 2 b another serious post and there will b mentions of mental illness and stuff after this so if ur sensitive to that kind of thing id recommend not readinf further ..... but 4 evry1 else..

for most of my day i felt rly rly bored ..... like serioiusly bored and i also had an upset stomach and i started having these weird thoughts and feelings that were rly unrealistic and like..... idealistic or perfect ig..... and all of this made me have an anxiety attack :( my anxiety attacks arent like having trouble breathing or feeling sweaty or w/e its more just this weird mix of sadness and emptiness and even tho i often feel empty the emptiness also makes me feel worse ...... it went on for a while and i had all of these horrible thoughts that i js couldnt sotp thinking abt and that ive been thinking abt for like months now ..... i felt rly isolate from my freindz even tho i talked to them like yesterday and i also felt like bc of my social anxiety and autism and other times ive tried talking to ppl in the past where they js didnt talk back v much that i would never be close to them or easily carry a natural conversation ..  not with them and not with any1 .... whenevr i feel like my friendz arent paying attention to me or are doing smth with sum1 else i feel terrified bc it makes me feel like im close to losing them ..! it makes me rly jealous when i see them or think abt them doing stuff with other ppl who theyve known for longer and hang out with moar and r closer 2 bc it makes me feel excluded and not cared abt and these make my fear of abandonment even strongr and even worse ...... ive talked abt this on my blog b4 already but i also felt rly lonely and touch starved and super duper jealius of how easy sum ppl can make friends or find love while i js havent rly been able to ..... i feel like nobody cares abt me or is interested in talking 2 me and js for one day i want 2 kno what it feels like to be loved and to be intimate with others and to have meaningful conversations and 2 feel important bc i havent rly felt that way in a long time ..... im so tired of living like this its so exhausting and ik all of this isnt healthy and is distressing but i also dont know what to do abt it ...... im considering talking to my mom abt this bc i need to get better at communicating with her and i also think going back 2 therapy wuld be a gud idea..... i used to hav 1 but there was sum weird insurance stuff that happend and then i js stopped seeing them fsr.... if i do get another therapist id want them to help me fight these thoughts and feelings and also help me find out what the cause is.... i have a p good idea and im p sure its all bc of old toxic friendships i used to be stuck in that messed me up a lot..... even now it still hurts to think abt for 2 long even tho im p much mostly over it.....

thats all... thnk u for getting all the way thru and i hope sum1 reading this can atleast relate... i js wanted to get all of this out there

i hope u all have sum1 that makes u feel loved and important and if u feel like u dont please keep hanging in there bc i promise u will find sum1

stay safe

-sky