Surrounded by people but I feel alone.

In high school, I was definitely the girl that "knew everyone". Every time I would go to school, I would wave at so many people before class, and I would always get the "Wow Nana, you're friends with everyone" and that is what it felt like, I was always surrounded by people when I was at school. I had a big friend group, and I was always the one who would go up to people first, even invited them and presenting them to other people. I had two best friends, A and O who I honestly held to dearly, they eventually started dating which a part of me felt was kind of weird in a way, but I wasn't exactly against them dating. I would often talk to A about girl talk, as one does with their best friend. A was the one who introduced me to a guy I ended up dating and It's going to come up again. A and O's relationship wasn't perfect to say the least, but are relationships ever?

I would often go over to A's house and she would vent to me about the wrongs in the relationship, even though I was also friends with O, well I didn't want A to feel as if they had no one to vent/rant about. I remember when A broke up with O, we were outside my house, and she had called him to end things. It was kind of awkward being there, but you going to be there for your friends, I guess.

Our friendship didn't feel weird after, A and O were still friends, so I didn't think much of it after. I started dating this guy who I had met through A and at first it was honestly going great but sometimes it wasn't, there was a lot of flaws in the relationship and honesty it lasted longer than it should have. We would sometimes break up and I remember one time he was ranting/venting in a server that was full of our friends, friends that I had introduced him to. I was also in the server, so I saw the whole thing, he was venting, and I understand about being there for your friends, but one mutual friend had said something along the lines of "What do you expect? It's Nana, she doesn't change" which definitely hurt.... He had also mentioned how it was going to be weird making friends because I basically knew everyone (We would have had to see each other in different friend events or just at school since we had the same friend group) and that friend had said "Yeah, Nana's friends with everyone."

Another one of his friends (that I introduced him to) had sent me an anonymous hate essay on why I was such a horrible person, and I didn't deserve him. He talked about how I was so ugly and such a slut, for "leading him on" and that he just wanted to make me happy and that I "played with his feelings" the whole essay was just a lot, and I texted my ex telling him to "call off his dogs" and that it was immature, I tried to seem like it didn't affect me but I was crying the whole night and the week that followed. His friend ended up apologizing to me because of the hate message but it seemed shallow because the only reason he apologized was because my ex told him to, a little thing that also added to this hurting me was when O told me that he did know who sent me the hate message but never told me, when they made the fake account it was after school, in a club meet and multiple of my friends were there. Multiple of his friends ended up spreading rumors about me saying I was a "homie hopper" and "slut", even posting hate messaged online for me.

Honestly the most ironic thing was that all of his friends were people I introduced him too and his friend group was one that me and O had started, and I had invited him to. When we broke up, everyone left me and started comforting him, even A and O. It honestly hurt a lot, and I felt so alone, didn't I have "so many friends" so when I needed them, when I fell into depression and felt suicidal, where was everyone? I ended up getting a new friend group but somehow after drama had died down, he ended up joining that friend group as well. I remember I had talked to O about how he basically left me and chose my ex over his best friend who he knew first, me. He just told me that he felt bad for my ex and felt forced to be his friend, was it meant to make it feel better? When it came to A, I would often cry to her about the whole drama but at one point she would just tell people she was so tired of me going to her to vent, which the reason it hurt the most was because I would have never done that to her and especially not complain behind her back about it, I ended up just distancing myself from her. 

In the new friend group, when my ex joined, we had fixed somethings and unfortunately, we did start dating again, i don't know why I did it, but I did. Once again, we ended up breaking up and it seemed like I got hit by the most insane Deja Vu ever. I had lost my friend group again, to him. At this point it was just my fault for not learning the first time, even now people pity him for the whole thing. I was so alone the whole time and considered suicide, I had relapsed and went back to self-harm but there was no one there. The one time I felt kindness during this whole thing was when I was walking to class, feeling absolutely miserable when one classmate had came up to me and asked me if I was okay. I just broke down right there, I was just ugly crying (Like in the way you can't stop yourself and hiccup a lot) I was telling him about all the rumors and just cried.

I ended up moving schools, there was some classmates that I kept in touch, but the only person that I talk to sometimes is O, since we're family friends now. I just really to let this out honestly, there was a lot more that happened but the blog is already long enough. This happened my sophmore and junior year, it ended last year when I moved.