i need opinions

I need opinions, please. Anyone who can talk to me or give me advice, I’d be grateful.

It all started because my ex wrote to me saying he misses me, that he can’t forget me and all that. I think that’s fine, but now I’m confused because he just said, "I just wanted to tell you what I’ve been holding in all this time." I think that’s okay, but I wish he was clearer—did he tell me this so I could respond about whether I feel the same? Does he want us to be friends? Or does he want to get back together? I have no idea.

We didn’t end on bad terms, but before making the decision to break up, we left a lot of things unsaid (I should mention that I moved from my home country almost a year ago, and he and I broke up two or three months after I moved). It just got complicated because of the time difference, and then he lost his phone. But I was the only one making an effort, trying to find ways to message him, staying up late to see if he had left me a message, and I’d just see that he was online 10 minutes ago.

I asked him to at least leave me a message before going to bed, just to know how his day was, and nothing. I’d just see when he last logged off. I wasn’t asking him to text me all day, every day—just to say something like, "Hey love, I’m good. I did this and that today," to make me feel like part of his day no matter how far apart we were. When I noticed most of the messages were me asking him to message me, I knew it was over. By early June, he sent me a message saying he wanted to talk about something. A week passed and he didn’t write again. I told him, "Hey, waiting for you is boring and exhausting," and he just replied, "Then get tired, I’m very busy." That, for me, was the message that broke any romantic connection, and I took it as our breakup—and it was.

He didn’t send me a single message for the whole month of June after that. Meanwhile, he was online and sharing stories on Instagram with a girl he met, posting songs that you’d normally dedicate to your partner or someone you’re almost dating, because the lyrics were clearly for that. There was no other way to interpret it.

I started to hate him. I just wanted to erase him from my mind, and that’s it. In early July, he wrote to me, asking to fix things. I said yes, but I was already feeling bad. We spent almost all of July with a conversation pending because he was busy, but at least he made his presence known. Still, I was tired of waiting for him, so I sent him a message saying it was better to leave things as they were and just stay friends. Maybe if I had waited a bit longer, things might’ve turned out differently, but my decision was the best, even though I was filled with anger and nostalgia—and I still am.

Regardless, in August, I stopped talking to him until January this year, when he messaged me again. During the time I didn’t talk to him, I found out a lot of things. I saw comments and actions from him with my own eyes, and all the love and affection I had for him felt so betrayed that my anger toward him just kept growing.

I told him everything I felt, or at least most of it, over a call after he messaged me. But I’ve been thinking about the messages he sent me because I still haven’t responded, and I don’t know... Sometimes I feel like I miss him a lot. Memories of us come back, things I’d like to relive with him by my side, doing new things together. I imagine maybe it’s just nostalgia consuming me, but sometimes I wish it wasn’t. I wish I could be as in love with him as I was in the beginning because he was my first love, just like I was his. I don’t want anyone else in my life. After everything I went through with him, imagining myself with someone else is really hard. I picture my future, and his face pops up in that simple daydream. It’s hard living with that. I don’t know what it is or what it could be—whether it’s just nostalgia or if I really miss him.

Please, give me some advice. Tell me your points of view.