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It seems I might not be good at making friends. I'm perfectly friendly (I think), but none of the peers around me seem to share my dedication to making lasting, meaningful friendships as a young adult.
It doesn't feel very nice when I think I've made a new friend, but the next time we see each other, they don't reciprocate the excitement, energy, or happiness that I do.
I think I do have one (1) friend that I think highly of. She's the only friend I have, but I think I'm becoming too intense for her, and that scares me. I don't want to run her away, but I feel as though some sort of growth in familiarity is needed. She's a great person at heart- nice, socially-conscious, and we agree on a lot of things, which makes her easy to talk to- but there's one thing-- a very petty, immature thing-- that I can't seem to shake.
She's easy to make friends with. So much so that I almost can't keep up with the amount of people she's constantly dedicating time to. I pale in comparison, and it kinda embarrasses me, I think? She's my only IRL friend, but she's constantly talking to new people and forming bonds. I feel like such a fucking loser.
It's gotten to the point where my own family has tried to warn me off from her. I'll think about buying something for her whenever I have an extra dollar. I keep track of everything she says she likes. I didn't notice how unbalanced it used to be until my little brother, aged 10, walked up to me skimming through books I was planning on buying her and asked "You buy stuff for her, but what does she buy you?" It hit me like a truckload of bricks. At that moment, I felt so embarrassed that tears welled in my eyes, and the rest of my family started laughing to themselves, because even my autistic little brother noticed the imbalance and I never did. She's gotten a little better now, but now there's a new obstacle in the way (which is for another entry).
I just feel so silly for getting so excited about interacting with people. I've always been this way. What is life without making connections to people? ...but it starts to feel like I'm the only one who values them- except maybe it's just me they don't value enough. Everybody else has friends, why don't I?
I'm thinking of making penpals, or even making more online friends and then meeting IRL later in life.
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pocono
honestly that used to be me because i also only had one friend (although in different circumstances). it basically forces you to become obsessed with them. i gen reccomend try to talk to people irl without the intention of becoming a friend, it actually worked for me. it's better to talk to other people sometimes then only one person. and who knows, maybe they will actualy become your friend.