Hello World

Just what I needed, another social media account. 

And it is exceptionally millennial of me to be so caught up in the past that this heavy-handed reference to where it all began was immediately appealing to me. That blue UI was all it took to convince me to at least give it a shot. 

I don't think anyone I know is here, at least not yet, which is an interesting space to occupy. I don't think I'll tell anyone. We'll see if I'm found, I guess. We'll see who finds me. We'll see if I stay.

So, I filled out the profile form. I suppose that counts as an introduction of sorts. Sometimes it's fun to be over-dramatic and edgy on the internet, isn't it? A 90s childhood and a lifetime of introversion have made vaguebooking a reflex. I want to scream into the void, but I can't see in there and I don't know who's listening, and that scares me. I think it should scare more of us. 

So, I'm in my mid-30s, married, no children. I like video games and anime, same as I always have, I just don't have time to engage with the community like I did when I was younger. I want to make art, but I always end up not doing it. I'm slowly trying to make myself space for it. 

I'm in kind of a period of flux in my life right now. Or maybe I just hope I am. I started lifting weights, because I've come to the realization that my body is meant to be big and strong. I signed up for a language class, because I have lived in Japan for a year now and I want to stay as long as I can, but I can't do that in good faith puttering around saying nothing but "excuse me," "thank you," and "I'm sorry," and understanding nothing that is said to me. Success in both of these endeavors will require me to be a more consistent, driven person than I have ever displayed the ability to be in my life. 

I don't know why adding an hour (2, if you count getting ready, travel, and disengaging time, I guess) of self-improvement to a day seems like such a huge ask. I don't know why working out, or working toward a personal goal, doesn't count as "me time" in my head. I have discovered, in recent years, that if I don't disconnect do things that feel exclusively mine, after a while I start to go a little insane, like a rat caught in a trap. I've spent too many years of my life getting up, going directly to work, spending the whole day there, and then going home and either going directly to bed, or dealing with obligations and responsibilities. Sometimes it seems like my whole 20s were consumed that way. Work myself to death during the week, spend days off cleaning and picking up the pieces of stuff I couldn't handle while working, wash, rinse, repeat. All I need is a little time playing a video game, or watching something of my own choosing, or listening to my own music and surfing the internet at my leisure... The standards aren't high.  

There isn't much more to me. I support everyone's right to live their life in the way that best suits them, but I have no idea what that would mean for me if I got the chance to set everything up from scratch to my own specifications. Everyone these days has a bunch of labels. I don't. I just exist. Barely. 

So here I am, I guess.