The Reason for this Blog

"Delusions are context- and culture-dependent: a belief that inhibits critical functioning and is widely considered delusional in one population may be common (and even adaptive) in another, or in the same population at a later time"

I suppose our reasons for making a page on this retro-yourspace clone are common and repetitive. We are lonely. Dissatisfied with monopolies of information, maybe. We want to express things too wide and deep to fit in a few sentences of text. Or we want to reclaim our power to coordinate, share, and love each other. The world is changing, and we are changing in it. These questions are neither new nor easily solved by a simple cat like me. I'm sure I will have trouble adding my voice to the conversation in a meaningful way. Nonetheless, I figured someone out there in the abyss might be interested, so I should add my story.

I have suffered an illness of the will for a length of time too long to reckon. Since childhood or maybe early adolescence I have found living itself somewhat a chore. Not necessarily in the scary "passive-suicidality" sense, I see myself mostly as indentured to my own life. I am motivated by an abstract and external "obligation" to myself and those around me; I see myself as being "spent" in the pursuit of life. Often this manifests as a psychotic interest in the secondary effects of my actions: how a movie makes me look, rather than how it makes me feel, for example. It is completely unsatisfying and hollow in every way. It is a terrible and destructive way to live. But nonetheless it has been mine.

It's not that simple though. I also spontaneously and sporadically become enlivened; I am overcome with a deep desire to live my life for its own sake - to live on the first order. To smell the flowers (simply) cause they're pretty. For periods of time ranging from minutes to weeks, I make energetic commitments to my life: to write this essay, or read this book, or watch this movie, or or or... And for as long as I manage to remain possessed, I genuinely do live. But it is short-lived. I cannot cultivate a garden, or watch the seasons change as a self-loving person. I come and I go.

So here I am. I have come back. This blog will be a place for me to write and play. And to live for a time. I hope that's okay with you and I hope we stick around :))

A few notes: I've kept a list of "potential recreational essays" for a few years. I hope to crack that open first and foremost. The Mme. Psychosis persona is from Infinite Jest (insufferable). She's a parttime film studies major and radio talk show host who mesmerizes the Cambridge, MA airwaves with spoken word and who does way too much speed. I will not be as grammatical as the great Joell V. D, nor as pretty. But I aspire to be half as astute and a quarter as kind.

XOXO, A.g./Mme. Psy.