02012025

its weird chronicling the inter machinations of my brain when the thought processes and coherency has not existed in a long time.

i wrote years ago about the mania, a long-lengthed summer before another, continuing the downwards spiral and fog that overtakes my brain, and even now, everything i thought i wanted, i changed my mind and forgot it all.

now i return to a place where I finally see my place. i'm always under a microscope, every action scrutinized. I've been laid out in a way where I see my place. I'm a friend of convenience, when a space needs to be filled. I have those I connect with yet those I think about are still in a place of deattachment.

they explore the places i want to be, the things i say I wanna do; they're always doing it without me. I feel out of place in our conversations and yet during the times where they aren't in their ruts, are the only times I think we genuinely connect. everyone falls back into those patterns yet i'm stuck thinking about them always and forever.

maybe its the meds, but why do I keep myself in this thought process, why can't I enjoy whats going good?

i'm just reminded of the abstract nature of being alive and the choices one makes to keep living, and maybe it's time to forget it all again.