Forever is a long time to miss you... 💭

I've been having a bad couple of days. The kind that make you wish you never woke up. 

The kind that made it so that all I could do was exist, and pray that the days will go by quicker than usual. 

It's FINALLY February. Fucking FINALLY! This year, January felt like it was dragging on, and on and on and on and.... *Insert Asia - Heat of the moment 🎶 * (those who know, know 😉) an absolute hell of a groundhog... month. 

My responsibilities and problems are slowly catching up with me. Is it gonna be like this for the rest of my life? Pretend that nothing's wrong, enjoy a couple of days /weeks of denial, then, everything comes crashing down on me all over again...? 

Ugh. The more time passes, the more I realize that I'm just not made for this world anymore. Or... Was I ever...? 

I've always known that I was different. My tendency to marvel at the smallest details that nobody cares about, or the fact that the most minor inconvenience sends me into such a state of panic /stress, that seems RIDICULOUS to near everyone. 

I'm glad now that I know it's because of ADHD (and possibly autism, but THAT diagnosis hasn't been 1000% formally made so for now I'll just hold on to the hope that it's ✨ JUST ADHD ✨). 

But back then, oh boy, I felt like such an alien. I found my people, lost some of them to death or because I was too stupid to not get manipulated by others, and ended up being the manipulated, dumb little idiot that I was. 

Now that I think about it all, it was so ridiculous, really, and I fell sooo easily for it all. And so many people were hurt because of that. But it's impossible to fix now. And I and those people will forever be changed by the hurt that was caused by all this. I wish I hadn't been this dumb and that I had seen through it all. It would've saved me YEARS of my life and my former friends wouldn't have been hurt by this guy ...And nobody would've thought that I was responsible for it all. But hey, what's done is done. 

Anyway as I've said, win some, lose some. Sometimes I miss them all, the former friends, for a fleeting moment, and the departed ones... For more than just a fleeting moment. 

My teenage years feel like such a faraway time...? Sometimes it feels like just yesterday, and at some other times it feels like it was EONS ago... 

I miss my friends, my body, my health, my mind back then, even if I was a stupid little girl, scared and alien in this world. I miss the parties, and the drinking and the sex, and the drugs and the fun. 

And then I think back on it and maybe, just maybe, all I miss are the fireflies and the glow of the stars once the campfire had turned into embers. My freedom, my innocence, and those bright, bright stars, so full of wonder. 

What a life I had. How I miss it....

There's that saying, you know? Which says "you only realize the importance of something, once it's gone" and go me, truer words have never been spoken. When I was younger, I was really sick already, but I pushed myself always more and more, pretending that I wasn't sick, that everything would be fine etc... Never acknowledging that I was chronically ill, because, hey, feeling like an alien because of my mind was enough already, feeling like an alien because of the way I looked, even more than enough, but acknowledging that I was chronically ill and unable to live a normal life like everybody else... Heck no. No can do. 

So I just became soooo good at pretending, that I think I lost myself along the way... 

Who am I now? I have no clue. Does anybody...?? I just know that I am so, so tired and I miss the way my body was capable of getting me out, going grocery shopping, such a simple task, has now become such a chore, when it was the highlight of my month back then 🤡 (how sad haha). 

Anyway. I'm tired now, I'm going to sleep. 

As always this entry makes no sense but somehow it feels so good to just let go and speak my mind. I know nobody is ever gonna read this, but if they do, well, I hope you don't relate, because that would be sad. But if you do, hang in there, I hope you'll feel better soon.

I miss the campfire and the fireflies... And the stars....and I miss you.