Homoerotic friendship?

Why are friend break ups more hurtful than actual relationship ones !!!!!! I had a crush on this dude who was my best friend for a long time. The issue was that he had a boyfriend so I shut my feelings off cuz I didnt wanna be THAT person T_T;; 

as time passed I ended up liking someone else instead, it felt more different though... I had liked the version of who they were in the begining as to the end they didn't really make me feel loved I endured it,,, Due to me getting with that person I ended up drifting with my best friend at the time n he noticed but it was until the end he told me. Time passed and I was forced to cut that friend a way or another cuz of a weird tension with them both having with each other...

 No neither knew about the crush but they still had a bad energy due to not wanting to "share" me with each other. (I was given obviously hinted ultimatum and heavy hinted suicide bait if I didn't cut my friend off :/) The moment I did that; everything went shit for me. Months later when we broke up, I honestly felt upset but really deep down relieved because I was free to message my ex friend with no things tied to it or getting in trouble for being upset over him.

 I messaged him and explained issues with him and we communicated but it just wasn't good or enough we both decided to go our own separate ways and I am very still sad about it. It's been a month or two since that decision, I'm blocked so I can't talk to him anymore. He left me with a note how he hated me, how he was 'scared' of my mental outbursts at times and more.

 It left me hurt as I wasn't aware of us having issues when we were friends because he never communicated with me. We would always hold hands, hugs, sleep on each other, and just trust things with eachother; hell he even told me an intimate moment he had with me. I wish I could explain how he made me feel all the time I swear I could write a book about him if given the chance.

During our communication he had asked me why I changed from going basically acting how I was during when I liked him to not doing that anymore (I would go out of my way for him, we also had a stuffed animal child together we both adopted) and I just told him, "I don't know, I just changed" since I did change for the worst when I got with my Ex. He brought the worst in me, literally. When I said that he seemed disappointed and said so himself, its not what he wanted to hear... It makes me wonder...what did he want to hear? Did he know? 

It makes me wonder if I had said I liked him we would have a different outcome than our fall out. I miss him.