Journal Entry #1

Cross posting this from livejournal (Click here to see my blog) but its whatevs

(ALSO because I have no idea what spacehey will flag, I'm NOT talking about anything real in this post, it is all FAKE!!!!)

You are the gun I'll never load. Sitting just out of arm's reach---It's too much work, and too much hurt to love you again. And maybe love is a smoking gun---or whatever the Beatles said, I can't really remember. Love is in furtive glances and ignoring you five steps behind me. Love is poised to kill: Destiny manifest in heartache and weak will.

You are the knife in my pocket, the revolver in my holster, and you will only ever be used to hurt myself.

It's my blood that's on the floor, and on your hands, too.

Thinking about you used to just make me feel sick, and now I just feel everything all at once. Once, I missed when you knew me---now I'm just mad that you don't anymore. You gave up on me, refused to know and love me.

I am used to being given up. It is too easy to stop trying. It is too, too, easy to forget I am full of everything, too---That I need more care, more love than you think I do. I surround myself with wonderful people who do not care when it matters. 

And that is okay, for now. When the last dance comes it will be just me, and someone I love; The universe will be small enough to fit into our fingers laced together, and we will move with the wind, with the clouds and the stars in the sky---white like the milky way, dark like night---and I will be whole again.

Hopeful? Hopefully.

Love,

Sonny