When is it my turn?

1/30/25 11:15pm

I'm currently in my hours of the night where I spiral into my thoughts about what I'm doing with my life. The last several years, ever since covid hit, have blurred by so fast I'm terrified. Is this how fast life is gonna go for the rest of my life? How do I live like this? When I was 12 my biggest fear was death but back then it seemed so far away. Now 10 years later at 22 it somehow doesn't feel that far away?

Anyways. What really sent me down this spiral tonight is because I feel so... lonely. Everyone I know is dating someone or have dated people. Me? I've never had a true relationship in my life. And truly I have had multiple people try to pursue me but it's like no matter what I can't seem to actually fall for anyone... I want to so bad.... As young teen I dreamed of a high school romance like the novels and I missed out :( Here I am still never had a love of my own. I want someone to talk to about our interests, to travel the world together, watch tv with, even just to be in the same room doing our own things sounds so wonderful. Why can't I find this person? Where is the love of my life? Someone always with me. When people think of me they also think of my person. How do people fall in love? Why can't I? I feel as though I'm wasting my time and before I know it I'll be 40 still with no one. Even closer to death but still no one to die with.

Well I have work in the morning unfortunitely or I'd keep writing. I do really love my job here but waking up sucks when I want to stay up all night. Goodnight.