Boy in my science class.

So, for the past few months, ive always been seated next to this boy, who ig in this blog i'll jst call "Logan"

logan is a rlly friendly kid, medium black hair, Glasses, sporting usually a grey or black hoodie, overall a chill guy. he looks like a mouth breather tho :skull:

At the beginning of the year i didnt pay any mind to him. he's honestly just a kid i was assigned to sit next to. but, we actually worked rlly well.

hes smart, and understanding, and not like some extreme ruffian or boring ass basic kid from what ik. and soon enough, we started talking more often in class. I learned he actually has guinea pigs like me :3 which was something i still think is so cool.  i see him talking with a lot of kids other than me too, so he obviously gets along well with a lot of ppl. i dont know why, and i wish i didnt even have these thoughts. but...

This kid??? is kinda cute???? and im unsure if im crushing or if its just me being retarded.

 let me explain.

Im turned off from dating honestly. After breaking up with cinni, it just felt like i wouldnt find someone as perfect as she is. i love her a whole lot still, but i would never beg her to date me, because i dont go that low. im stuck in a weird cycle of not wanting to date anyone, yet being lonely at the same time?? but afraid to date ppl. This becomes WORSE when it comes to dating someone IN SCHOOL.

the last relationship i had irl went fucking horrible after we broke up, and because we attended the same school, i was always paranoid and anxious i'd see that person in the halls. im a huge overthinker, and to really get over something, it has to COMPLETELY be out of my line of sight or general area. i dont understand how i could date someone in school safely. its scary. if i break up with them, i cant just transfer schools again. dating someone from school gives me so much anxiety that i dont know how to deal with.

whats worse is that me and this kid are getting more talkative and close, and like..i feel like i cant control it???? like i wanna see him happy and doing whats best for him??? I dont even have this guys socials. its fucking stupid on how i feel. I DONT wanna date. yet i stil think about him a lot.

AND HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW IM GENDERFLUID????? I THINK HES 100% STRAIGHT. 

its a really fucking dangerous game to play, and im afraid if he were to ever ask me to date and i accidentally say yes, i'll have to be closeted about my real sexuality.

honestly. i think im just gonna give him my discord today. in my "About me" i have it written that im genderfluid. if he still shows interest in me, im fucked. i hope my feelings go away. My love ended with cinni. i cant just hand it around like that.

im so lost.

-Cozmite