i, me, myself

yesterday was an okay day. car drive, one of the longer ones because of traffic. my father picked me up to take me to work, that was nice. whenever it’s just the two of us, I’ve realized, we don’t really talk that much. it’s pretty quiet during the time in the car. i’m not sure if that’s normal or not but i suppose it’s the way it is, way it’s always been. it gave me some time to think—about some random and some not so random things. maybe i’ll post more blogs, i feel as though i’d like to have someplace to put these thoughts—part of me doesn’t care or maybe even would like for them to be read, i dunno though, can’t say for sure. 

i would like to know the limits of their love towards me. i’m not often vulnerable in front of them— or lots of people for that matter. i do think i’m closer to friends and my girlfriend than i am with my own family, i don’t express much around them. i wonder how they (my parents, namely) view me. they’ve obviously known “me” the longest but that doesn’t really mean much, truly. i’m not an only child, im the eldest of three we’ve a 5 and 15 yr age gap. i think as a younger child, i took the responsibility of role model towards my younger sibling pretty seriously, it’s silly to admit but it’s true! from a very young age i’ve been constantly reminded of that—that i’m main “example” for my siblings to follow. i think that might be why i don’t talk much to my parents, when i do it’s usually family “drama” or work or sometimes it’s when i’m getting scolded for being late to class. i think i missed out on a great deal of my childhood because of my (back then) seemingly “important” roles, i dunno. i don’t really remember what it’s like to not worry. i’ve been quite an emotional support to my mother. i remember parents arguing when i was younger, i’ve known about (and been alive during!) past issues btwn my parents. i dunno, things are better now though, they’re good. but there’s really never been someone i could rely on as a kid, i was the one being relied upon (again, my mother! i love her lots though). anyhow this isn’t really what i was thinking about during the car drive though i must mention, my father is a bit of a hypocrite but i do think i am like him in some ways so im not sure what that says about me. i was wondering if they’d “accept”(for lack of a better word) me. my sexuality (pan) and my gender queerness (? im still figuring this out). i don’t know, i genuinely don’t have any idea. i know they’re typically “open” or “okay” with that outside of, well, them. hmm i know a cousin of mine is openly gay and i don’t think ive heard anything negative from my parents in regards to that? but then again, they’re topics that are rarely ever brought up. i’d be scared to bring them up. i don’t want to be disappointed but, then again, i don’t even know what to expect. i wonder if it’s important, but i suppose it is—at least that thing abt my sexuality. what i have been confused about (with myself) is er labeling who i am. i hate labels! i just exist! i don’t really feel as though i’ve ever been comfortable being called a girl. it’s not uncomfortable, but it’s definitely not comfortable?? i dont know. the word “gal” feels nice, though. i think part of the reason i dont like “girl” is because it feels as though i ought to look and act a certain way, it feels gross having to be er look? like a traditional “woman” (oml dont get me started on that word i hate it ew ew). im not particularly girly, yes, i dress femininely at times (and i like it! sometimes it’s nice to be pretty and look cute and be seen as a pretty pretty gal) but it’s not really “girly” if that makes sense. at least i wouldn’t want it to be taken that way. whenever i’ve tried to dress in a more traditionally girly way, it feels as though im a fake! like a costume, of sorts. i like being a gal, it’s nice, but i can’t ever fully feel like a girl. it’s upsetting. i’d like to be a “real” girl, to like looking girly all the time, to want to not be someone else, to not have to worry about my body looking a certain way, to not wish i hadn’t been born a girl. but when i think about that, i think about how life would be if i’d been born a boy. a while back, i used to think that i would be happy to have been born a guy—life would be easy and i’d be more comfortable in society. i never thought much of it but i’ve been thinking about it some more recently and have come to the conclusion that i’d be facing the same issue i am now. if i had been born a boy, i wouldn’t ever truly feel like one—not all the time, at least. i know i’d want to be feminine at times, to be a gal. yes, i’d be happy being a guy (as i am sometimes being a gal) but i would still want to be something more, look a certain way, have a different body sometimes. i’d like to look more androgynous because of this. i suppose i’m gender fluid, i don’t really care much for pronouns, i don’t think. if i were to be a guy, i wouldn’t want to look super masc, just idk, nice. attractive and pretty and handsome and cute. though even now that’s also what i’d like to be, i know that. i like looking pretty and it’s nice to hear it, i want to look a certain way, not “handsome” like “traditionally handsome” just idk. i would like to make people question my gender pfft that would be funny. ahh my dream !! androgyny. oh! i’ve also been thinking about this for a bit. i think knowing and kind of accepting this part of me makes it easier to understand why i felt a certain way back then. im pan yesh, i lauv people (but i only love my girlfriend >:3 ) but basically yesh. blah blah truth bomb! all the people who have liked me before (not including my gf) have solely liked girls. nothing wrong with that ! of course not no no! but i suppose why i used to feel so awkward was because 1) i suppose i feared theyd only ever see me as a girl (a “girl” im not, maybe gal but leik….). i’ve never expressed my feelings on my gender stuff to anyone before, really. maybe vaguely alluded to it to my then best friend but she just really wouldn’t get it (i don’t blame her though, she just couldn’t possibly know what i felt/meant). 2) the guys that have liked me (ex included) were s-s-straight!! ok maybe not because heh…im not exactly a girl..but they don’t/didnt know that. i couldn’t say it, i didn’t quite know it myself. 3) LESBIANS. all girls that have liked me before were only into girls. the thing is IM NOT A REAL GIRL?? i felt like a big LIAR and so so guilty but i didn’t know why, maybe i did but not sure of it because idk idk. it felt fake, though. like i’d have to keep up an act, or maybe not even that, maybe i was just scared of not being seen as anything other than a girl. and its not that it really even matters but it felt as though i’d be tricking these poor ladies into believing im just a super kewl girl who is masc sometimes (which ik one might think to be the case but the thing is, calling me a “masc girl” would still be calling me a “girl” and that’s not really :// ) but erm! not exactly… i dunno, i think it’s just an insecurity. i’m very happy i’m able to figure things out now, though. i love my girlfriend very much omg omg im so happy. i truly was a bit surprised she liked me back! i didn’t expect that~ not really! i suppose we’re still getting to know each other some more but yayayayayay!! i love her and I’d like to make her happy. im excited for these next few weeks, i’ll be seeing her relatively soon so yay! i’m scared of being too pushy or something, it’s embarrassing when i try to be a stewpid silly romantic and say stewpid silly things blah i hope it doesn’t make her uncomfortable ToT i dunno. i’ve “dated” once before (for like 3 months maybe?) but it’s obviously different this time and idk i feel a need to be cautious around saying things even though i probably don’t need to be but i just don’t know if she likes to hear it or not…embarrassing!! what if she thinks im stewpid oml. ew i hope i don’t make her uncomfortable. bruh atp i think i just wont say stuff like what i do ToT its dumb anyway and then theres no risk i suppose ToT idk idk im happy though! now i’ll go to bed its like 2am ROFL im soooo cooked for my tests xD 

highk idc abt typos/mistakes i made when writing this…im not reading ALLAT and ik you (if there is someone reading this) aren’t either…er well bc this is at the end maybe you did?? or just skipped to the bottom heh ofc ofc thats alwaysh a possibility idk idc good NIGHT

i also actually dont know anything about anything and i am still thinking abt proper lavels