Sex=Bad, You=Never Good Enough

Hello, y'all!

I had another blog post planned, one that was "crazy". But, this one keeps on bugging my noggin'! So, let me blog about it and let it all out! Well...to an extent!

As time passes by, I realize I have a lot of set beliefs and mindsets that will forever be a part of me. Well, duh. It's my choice to change the way I think about those things. There are some that I have changed as I've gotten older and experienced more in life. But, most are still there. I don't know too much about the subject, but I know I have them. Tbh, I'm probably not even using the right term. Still...

One that has been on my mind is love and everything dealing with that. I'm no stranger to it as I love everything. I love life and the things it throws me, good or bad. I love(d) my family past and present. I love my boyfriend. So on and so on... But, within love, other subcategories scatter into more categories. It's a spiderweb of craziness. 

A belief/mindset that I was taught was...sex is for the wedding night. I still stand by that...for the most part. In one ear, I know what's right...and then in my other, I hear (from people): "Oh, just do it!". So, what does one do? I know, it's all up to me, but this is a very hard decision. People see this part of life as nothing...like no big deal if it's lost or not. I was taught a certain way, so that's what's in my mind. I'm scared to lose it. It's sacred in a way.

My "debate" was...it's in the Bible and I was taught that. No one really argued with me...well except this one guy, but then again he just wasn't a good friend. Plus, I always looked on the bright side of things...and also romanticized everything. I also had a "set" plan for my life. I'd get proposed to by my HS sweetheart(nonexistent, IRL), before college. And then get married after school. Both of us would be Christian and we'd be purest of the pure. Having sex with him would be perfect! Well, close to as perfect as it could be. Neither one of us would have been with anyone, so it would be excellent. 

Per the last sentence...I've had so many people/"friends" yell at me for that. Saying it doesn't matter. As someone insecure (surprised I'm actually accepting that), I'm terrified of the wedding night. If neither one of us has been with anyone, we won't have anyone to compare each other to. Neither one of us will know if one is better at it than the other. I don't even know.

This was how I expected my first kiss to go. I was gonna either wait till my wedding day (like the Duggars, lol) or at least kiss someone who hadn't had theirs either. I have mixed thoughts on all of that. I gave up on finding a bf/love in HS and also...waiting till 23, I knew it would probably never happen. Mine was with someone who had kissed a few people before me. It scares me I'm being compared to with everything I do, even down to the kiss. 

In my eyes, I'll never be good enough. I'll never be them (the other girls). Yes, they are in the past (for the most part), but, being compared is something that scares me. I'll never be pretty, smart, quick-witted...I'll never be...ugh! I wonder...how can I escape this belief? I'm not asking...just saying out loud.

Back to sex...if I choose to do this...goodness, so much goes into it. As a (proud) virgin, I'm so scared. I guess that would go against me being proud? I need to be good enough. I worry because I've never done it. What's good? What's not? I already messed up the simple things like being a delicate/soft girl, in general. Will I be able to pleasure this person with my body? My disgusting body that I can't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. Yes, don't bother telling me what the solution is, I know. I feel like I won't be able to do the things that are wanted and then I'll be a failure (more than I am, right now). Whether we do this or that, I'll look disgusting either way. But, as someone who supposedly loves me, shouldn't they accept me for who I am? I'd like to think that. But, not when I'm uglier than everyone before me. Though, I've been told I'm cute and pretty...is it true? Maybe he needs glasses? I'm awaiting the day he "wakes up" and is like, "Oh...you're my gf, now? *leaves*.

So, to wrap this up...I have insecurities that I have to deal with before IT happens. Or, forget about them, because you are the person with them right now. So, it shouldn't matter, right? The things that go on in my mind daily. Well...anyways, what will my next blog be about?! We'll see! And to you...you did not read this! This blog post never existed.

Until next time,

Zelly ://