where am i at rn (?????????)

theres gonna be a lot of typos and misspelling like usual bc idgaf also yes this is a vent

ok so ive been wanting to make a blog about the state of my life and my brain but i keep putting it off (becuz huge procrastination issues) BUT ALSO i have no clue what my life is or where its going or whre my hesd is even at 

like its reached the point where i cant tell if its getting better or worse, sometimes i feel so hopeful and optimistic but then ii go and break down and it all feels hopeless again and IDKKKK IDFKKKKDFVN my mind is at such a weird state

ovdrall im just tired, most of my breakdowns are just from me cracking under stress, which is insane because im extremly lazy and i barely do anythihng .. it just kinda feels likeeee theres a bunch of noise and chaos in my brain all the time and no matter what i do it doesnt go away and whnever i have to go to school or over exert myself it just gets louder nd its just exhausting like WHY IS IT HARD TO EXISTTT im such a pussy man why cant i just do normal shit that everyone else can just DO why

+ my memer is just makin it all worse,, i love her i swear but shes just,, very stubborn and stuck in her ways and lets say not the most empathetic person in the world. she doesnt really get like. emotions. she doesnt understand how my brain works or why i cant do certain things sometimes. she doesnt know why i do the shit i do. like ik i sound edgy as hell (no one understands me waah) but it is true. she's never understood me or my mom's BPD symptoms and uerrrr its been the cause of a longgg lasting grudge between the two which is also exausting because im tired of hearing the two people who raisrd me constantly talking shit abt each other and having to like defend them AND SOMETMS I CANT EVEN BCUZ THEY RLLY DO GOT ISSUES 

als o speaking of my mom she is no longer livin with me and i m honestly rlly worried abot her. i feel like someday shes jus gonna be like in prision or dead or smething and ill have no idea bc she just goes completely silent sometimes fr like weeks and i literally was breaking down last night bc i miss her scdrvbt 

so yeah im at least semi permanently living with memere  until mother dearest gets a permanent living situation down and ITS ACTUALLY SO BAD ITS MAKIN ME REMEMBER WHY I LEFT THE FIRST TIME sighs i rlly can never win bc theyre actually such opposite sides of the spectrum its like im either being suffocated or im just drowning slowly

umm and on tOPP OF ALL THAT i still fucking hate mysef and TW cuz im gonna start talking abt SH and EDs now

i feel so unattractive and undesirable and i m still holding onto so much guilt from what ive done and im trying to absolve myself of it because i know it doesnt do me good anymore but i jsut rbtrvnfjnk i just wanna be someone i can live with and i just feel like i lost the lottery at birth and got born into the like shittiest genetic history ever like my brain is fucked my face is fuckied and my body is fucked too 

my appetite has also been going way down again nd ive been tryin to lose weight and eat less but im starting to wonder if im developing an ED again bc this is the same behavior i had around the time i was in the hospital and i was like rapidly losing weight but I HONESTLY DONT EVEN RLLY CARE ABOUT THAT RN 

nd abt the self harm ive been clean for 4 months + 3 weeks which is good and ive just been tryna resist the urges that have been comin back rectnylyly,, telllin myself ill b dissapointing evry1 if i break my streak which maybe is not the healthiest but its working so we ball 

anddd what else uhh i finished DBT so thats coo, i do feel kinda indifferent to it but i am proud of myself for doing it and i do think i took a bit out of it. i also made a friend from my goroup so thatscool 

and speaking of friends i love my friends theyre one of the only things in life im happy abt and they keep me going and I RLLY HOPE I DONT FUCK SHIT UP AGAIN BC THE DEPRESSION HAS BEEN MAKING ME IRRITABLE AGAIN AND I FEEL RLLY BAD AND I FEEL LIKE I TALK TO THEM TOO MUCH and ehyeah but ik being paranoid makes it worse so einfrdkms jsut try to chill 

okay thas it next blog will be a happy one i promise (i dont promise) ok BYRE TY FOR READING THIS WHOLE YAP IF YOU DID YOU GET A KISS ON THE CHEEK MWAH