I don't believe in a dream job anymore

I am truly at a crossroads. 

I thought  the post grad market was bad in 2020, but this just takes it to another level. In college, I switched my major like 3 times and finally landed on journalism because of my love for writing. However, looking at the salaries and the dying physical media industry, I made a quick pivot to public relations.

My PR job wasn't the worst job in the world, but it was totally soul sucking. I did well for myself for a few years, working up the ranks from entry level to a mid-senior position. But, my last agency job was literally falling apart at the seams with people quitting every few months due to the pressures and bad management. I was the only one left since joining in 2020, after witnessing 100% turnover from my coworkers, and there was no room to grow. 

The clients were leaving for a myriad of reasons, either getting shut down themselves, experiencing layoffs and under budget cuts. So I did the unthinkable... and quit without any job lined up.

The results have been bitter fucking sweet. 

At the worst, I lost all my savings and had to leave San Francisco to move back in with my parents on the east coast. But, to be honest I didn't really like that city much to begin with. I was always fucking cold, and was sick of the tech hierarchy, and blatant visibility of social inequality that ran rampant through the city. 

On the positive side, I've never felt so in tune and connected with my inner child in over 20 years. I no longer have to go to bed with anxiety about client calls, or deal with stomach knots knowing that I'd take the brunt and blame of unsuccessful PR campaigns that no one ever took my advice on. I no longer have to brandish the reputations of companies falsely pledging to DEI and sustainability, with systemic issues running rampant behind the scenes. 

For the first time in forever, I asked myself "who did I used to dream about becoming when I grew up?" 

The week I quit, I put on the Bratz Rock Angels movie, which came out in 2005. The last time I can remember in my life, when I had confidence inside that I could make my own dreams come true. When I used to imagine growing up to be a fashion designer, or a beauty columnist working at my very own magazine like they did. I used to believe that I had something inside of me that was worth something invaluable. Before it was hammered into me that all of the creative pursuits that I love like design and writing are just "useless" "low pay" skills.

This movie gave me the push that I needed to stop - knowing that I was no where close on the trajectory of the dream life little me used to want for myself. And two weeks after I put in the resignation letter, the agency announced they were closing down. Solidifying that there was no going back, even if I actually wanted to.

Since then, I've been taken on a whirlwind of creative discoveries—teaching myself songs on my sister's keyboard that she left at home when she went to college, learning Canva, and brushing up on my Photoshop skills to develop and launch my very own Etsy shop full of home interior decorations. Learning procreate on my iPad, and coloring and shading bratz images that used to live on their website dressing games in the early 2000s. 

I've reaped so much in these few months that I've been employed, exploring and rediscovering passions that truly feed my soul.

However, each morning I quickly snap back into reality - worn down by the fact that I've barely even crossed $50 from my ventures. I still so torn between following my passion, and putting my big girl panties back on to go get another 9-5 job. I've applied for so many and gotten a few interviews, yet the door has slammed in my face each time!! And the thought of re-entering an industry like public relations just doesn't aligned with my soul anymore. Even beyond the industry, I just don't think I'm cut out to have any job sitting behind a fucking desk for 8 hours, and getting on calls back to back. Nothing inside of me craves that kind of life. 

I'm fucking 28 years old and still I don't know what to do with my life, nor who to be. I don't believe in having a dream job. If I had all the money in the world, I think would go ham on my business and create various brands, selling my designs on a myriad of items from clothes to stationery because I enjoy the creative process that much! 

I'm so deeply torn between the responsibilities to do soul sucking work and pay off my student loans, or go all in on my dreams and see if it can unlock the wealth and freedom for myself that I have always wanted.