2025/1/29

today was one of those days that feels like a never-ending struggle. i woke up with the weight of the world on my shoulders, as usual, but today was different. it wasn’t just the usual heaviness of depression creeping in; it felt like a full-on battle with myself, with everything. thoughts swirled in my head, fast and disorienting, as if my mind was spinning in different directions. everything felt too loud, too bright, and i couldn’t focus on any one thing for long enough to make sense of it.

it felt like i was caught in a loop, slipping in and out of a dream, or maybe a nightmare. it’s hard to tell sometimes when the line blurs between reality and the mind’s noise. i tried to keep it together—tried to get out of the house, tried to do the things that would keep my brain distracted, like going to the metro. i thought maybe the movement of the crowd would calm me down, that the rhythm of the city would drown out the chaos inside my head.

but no. the second i stepped into the metro in prague, it all hit me like a wave. i could feel my chest tighten, my breath shorten, and the walls of the train car felt like they were closing in on me. the lights flickered overhead, and the sounds of the train mixed with the crowd around me, all blending into this unbearable noise. i tried to breathe, but it felt like i couldn’t get air in. my heart was pounding, and every tiny movement felt like it was happening a million times faster than it should.

it was a panic attack. the kind that makes you feel like you’re suffocating, like you’re trapped in your own body, but there’s nowhere to go. i wanted to scream, to run, but my legs wouldn’t move, and my mind kept spiraling further into fear. i felt like everyone around me could tell what was happening, but at the same time, i was invisible, like a ghost in a crowd of strangers.

eventually, the train ride ended, and i stumbled out into the open air, gasping for breath, but it didn’t make everything go away. the anxiety stuck with me like a shadow. i kept walking, just trying to put one foot in front of the other. but it’s hard, you know? to keep going when it feels like your mind is working against you, when the world is too much to handle. i wonder if anyone else feels like this. i wonder if anyone else can hear the noise in their head or feel like they’re losing themselves.

sometimes, i wish it would just stop, this constant cycle of depression and chaos and fear. but i know it’s not that simple. it’s just something i have to keep surviving through, day by day. i don’t have all the answers, but i’m here, even if it’s messy, even if it feels like i’m falling apart sometimes. i’m just trying to make it through.

if you’re reading this and you’ve felt anything like this, know you’re not alone. we’re all just trying to figure it out, and some days are harder than others. but we keep going, even if it feels impossible.

thanks for listening.