Because Time Will Move On Regardless

I don't think I have been this tired in a WHILE. 

Slept truly horribly last night. For some unknown reason I could not fall asleep at all, at least I couldn't pinpoint anything specific that could have caused this. 

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Dream Therapy

I DID, however, also wake up crying so that definitely must have some sort of cause. Honestly I rarely have nightmares. Instead my "bad dreams" are just unfathomably sad or painful. 

Of course most times I can't remember what exactly I dreamt about, but overarching topics are usually Family, Friends, Pets, generally people and things close to me. Nothing bad happens to them though, it's more often that they are upset with me because I have done something wrong OR they hurt me/mistreat me in some way. 

Though it's hard to pinpoint the cause most of the time, I am pretty sure about last night's cause. I vaguely remember interacting with a mother as her older daughter (Specifically A mother because it was definitely not my Mum, and I was definitely not myself). The mother being very strict about what she expects of her older daughters behavior. I think in this instance it was also in connection with some sort of photo- or video shoot, so it felt like both behavioral as well as physical critique. The very last thing before I woke up was the mother sitting with her older daughter but also now a YOUNGER child together. Her sitting much closer to the younger sister while keeping the older one, who was covered in dirt and blood (? I think) from whatever they were modeling for, at a distance. She was a lot more gentle to her younger daughter as well. 

Dreams are strange once you revisit them in a conscious state of mind. They don't quite make sense after all, but deciphering them might help you work through some stuff you didn't even think were still an issue. I haven't dabbled too much in dream reading though, since it is oftentimes overrun with baseless and/or inconclusive esoteric rhetoric. 

Not to bash any spiritual beliefs here, it's just every time I research the meaning of specific imagery in dreams different sources state different meanings...

In the end it's better to take this as an opportunity to self reflect and figure out your own conclusion. I assume in my case this might be some sort of repressed childhood "trauma", not gonna lie. Possibly caused by seeing my father again at work. 

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Real Hardcore Rockers 

Speaking of which, my father is currently visiting our recording studio with his makeshift band.

Okay granted, I DID gift him a three-day-recording session for Christmas but still, actually seeing it happen now is still somewhat of a fever dream...

I may have mentioned it before but my father actually has some musical skills on drums and vocals as well as basics in acoustic guitar. He, of course, has never thought of teaching ME any of these things; much to my dismay. Because every time I mention that I work at a venue or am at a concert etc. etc. I get the inevitable question of "Oh! Do you play any instruments?" 

To which I have to pathetically explain that no, I did not inherit any musical talent whatsoever and was instead forced to go to self defense sports classes because I was found to be too fat even as a child. 

Alright I leave out the last part most of the time of course but that does not make it any less embarrassing. 

Regardless, my dad still plays the drums and he still sings just like he did back then during his 20s when he still had his bluegrass band. Whatever song they created for this recording would fall more into the classic rock genre though in my eyes. Of course this new band doesn't consist of the same ones back then. He apparently asked around his bike club if people were up for it. So they huddled together and wrote some sort of title song for their chapter. 

Fun fact though: There exists one single album on vinyl from his old band that I remember is still kept somewhere in the basement as well. I sincerely hope he still has it...It might very well be the last vinyl of it too.

As amateurish as it may be I gotta give it to him for managing to drum and be main vocalist at the same time, you don't see that often at all. So I'll forgive him for not being able to play by metronome. >v>

Originally I arranged this whole ordeal under one condition. That being he records one specific Song for me in return as a Christmas gift. One he wrote about and for me when I was very little. Only the lyrics and basic cords exist somewhere in the chaos that is my childhood homes basement. And since I don't remember neither the melody nor the full text at all, I wanted a full rendition of it now that I have the fortune to have contacts to a proper recording studio. 

Sadly enough my father seems to prioritize the other, new song they wrote. As sad as that may make me, it is ultimately his gift and he can do whatever he wants with it. 

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Places To Be, Stuff To Do And Friend Groups To Break

My calendar is filled to the brim the next round about two months it's insane.

Mainly this is because I have somewhat found a new friend group surrounding my coworkers that I get along with well. Honestly the timing could not have been any better because, fun fact, my old friend group is kinda sorta maybe possibly falling apart. 

Not that I am not friends with them individually anymore, but this group is definitely dead and I doubt it's coming back. We are officially speaking on a "hiatus" but I can already smell that this will be extended indefinitely... 

This supposed "friend" group (you really couldn't even call it that anymore) was literally only used to dump ones own interests and dip again, all the while demanding the others react. Every interaction has become so incredibly self serving and blunt that you really couldn't even call it an "interaction" anymore either. 

Surprisingly only my best friend and I seemed to have shared the same opinion and view on this as the moment she actually addressed this in our group chat one of the others immediately jumped into victim mode but refusing to work on the issue while the other literally didn't even realize this issue was a thing, thus demanding "proof" that people were being ignored and topics were being jumped because she "couldn't find any such cases when scrolling up the chat"; as if we weren't talking about a timespan of months if not over a year here.

Exhausting, to say the least.

The discussion lead to nothing AGAIN and everything was left as it was in exception to this indefinite "hiatus".

Alas, at least my coworkers are happy to hang with me from time to time. Or more like a lot actually. Ive been meeting up with them more in the past few months than with my old friend group in years. Though admittedly my coworkers and I have more common interests when it comes to events or trips, as well as a similar schedule. But one thing I DID notice thats not just happenstance is that my work friends actively invite me to stuff and plan things just as much as I do. Simply the active effort put into this relationship is worlds apart from what my old friend group dynamic has, sadly, devolved into.

I mean, in the last two months I've been invited to:

- a collage craft date

- go to a festival in summer

- do a roadtrip

- two birthdays

- go to a rave event my coworkers planned 

- go have a flea market stroll

- just sit together and talk at MY place

and have planned together to:

- go to a Morecore party

- go out to eat for my birthday

- just cook/bake 

- go to a convention here in the city

- go to another rave, planned by two other coworkers 

- go to multiple concerts

Hell even with my best friend who lives the furthest away from all of us I have managed to do and interact with more the past weeks. Though it is normal that people change, the passing of time sure can be scary when it makes you really FEEL it's influence.

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This one was a bit shorter than usual, I guess. Most of my recent blog posts have been accumulated over multiple days, but I noticed that this causes the post to be pushed back as its being registered by time of creation. Meaning: If I save drafts in between it will count as published by that date, regardless of if its private or public. Updating a blog post won't label it as new. 

Another subconscious effect of modern algorithmic social medias I assume. They thrive off of activity, so any and all activity is being rewarded with exposure.

Forgive me if these paragraphs aren't fully grammatically correct or coherent. My lack of sleep keeps me in some kind of a mild delirium.