In front of you lies three consecutive hurdles, each higher than the last.

Yo!

Its been a hot minute since I've written anything on here, and I mostly attribute that to being busy academically. If you'll excuse my nonsensical rambling, I have a lot of random sporadic thoughts on my mind that I'm simply trying to get rid of, so bare with me.

Here lately, I've been spending a lot of time on my own, and just generally in my own head. I feel... really alone, but, I'm trying how to learn to not fear that loneliness, how to not be eaten alive by it, and instead turn it into something self productive and immensely fruitful. Namely I would like to follow in the steps of the ronin, Musashi Miyamoto, who journeyed in solitude and prided his philosophy on the concept. Its... definitely an usual concept given how interconnected our society is in modern day, but despite that well netted communication network, I've never truly felt accompanied by it. In the past, the loneliness used to drive me insane to measures where I would sacrifice everything, just for a little bit of one singular persons attention, and I would spiral without it. Now, almost in my 20's, I've been working on that habit for some time now and have been making slow and steady progress! I feel like I can say with pride that I genuinely do have friends as well as best friends who I absolutely adore the company of. However, I find myself being eaten alive by the thought of, and steady realization, that they probably just see me as another person, and do not reflect the grandiose image I depict of themselves. In a way, this is selfish of me to expect of others as I feel like I hold a much more... 'unique' self awareness then others, but its hard not to wish that someone would care about me like I do them. It doesn't help that I'm stuck in an environment where I'm forced to be in the presence of him and see as he moves on with his daily life. At this point, I feel I've majorly gotten over him, and no longer feel any sort of affection for him. Hell, now a days, I feel genuine rage at him for how I was treated and how he acts to others now a days. He hurts people with no care to how they'll result cause he can only focus on himself and how he can use others... and it makes me sick to watch people flock to him thinking they'll get a proper piece of interest when they're merely only tools. It hurts, to see friend after friend fall to this affliction, and unfortunately those people I have to slowly cut off from my life. Thankfully, the friends I hold closest, have either seen this "Storm" (as my therapist puts it) for themselves and have removed themselves from it, or they have heard my thoughts / perspective on the matter and know to stay away. Although I do not feel any sort of romance for him anymore, I still get immense amounts of anxiety when I see him or am reminded of his presence. In a way, it correlates to two different things. One is the just... pure selfishness he exhibits and the pain that's left over from when he hurt me. Thankfully that one feels like its slowly going with time. The other, and admittedly I hate this, is that I believe I'm jealous of how many people flock to him and want to interact with him. I wish they could see that he literally does not give a single shit about any of them, nor does he even want to exhibit anything of himself for them. He holds absolutely no selflessness unless it benefits him! Ihoshdfohsohdf. This kind of ties in with my anxious thinking recently that I help a lot of people with a variety of different things, but I don't feel like anyone sees me as a friend. I can't help but think that maybe... maybe they just see me as a convenience to help them out when they need it. I don't know... maybe that's just the anxiety and tiredness talking, but it does riddle at my brain. Hopefully, by working on myself each day, and trying to get more used to solitude and silence, I'll get to a spot where I don't even notice him and he slowly fades into the public. That's my big time overall goal, to accept his presence here and come to terms with it. Before hand I was seeking to ignore his existence all together, but that made me an anxious mess when I would inevitably run into him. He also seems to be getting more aggressive towards me recently [or that could possibly just be my anxiety], which could be related to several things I've done recently, but I honestly feel like that's more for the better. The more aggressive he gets, the more often I see him, the more exposure I'm granted, and inevitably overcome and heal. With this, I've really ultimately set three goals for myself: 1. Learn to appreciate solitude and triumph over anxiety, learning to healthily love my friends and not freak out if I think they're losing interest / faith in me. 2. Rid myself of the anxious catastrophe I become when I see him and as a whole learn to not allow him to control or affect my life any longer. I'm sick of it, and I just want to be free from him. I'm above this, I've been through too much shit to let this get me down. 3. I want to find... the person for me. I know that's a REEAAALLLLLYYYYY big fucking goal, and that'll surely only come after 1 & 2 are done, but, I'm so fucking ready to start with someone new. Life is too short to be lived fully alone, and although yeah I wanna learn to appreciate the silence, I don't want to live in it till I die. I swear to god I'm going to make someone the happiest person in the world. Someone who will love me back in the same amount, with interest in who I am and who I want to be... and will treat me like a human being. That's all I really could genuinely ask for at this point... But, I think that's just about all of the spaghetti mess out of my head for now. I really need to sit down and study for a bit so I can hopefully play games with my BFF who just came to my apartment a bit ago. So, Until we talk again, stay safe and sane my friends.

Arrivederci.