'' The Manual I Never Received ''

When I watch people my age, I can't help but feel like they all have this effortless way about them that I could never quite grasp. It's as though they glide through life with ease—talking to each other, effortlessly making connections, and pursuing what excites them without hesitation. There's this natural confidence and flow in everything they do, seems like breathing or swimming or riding a bike. For them, it seems instinctual, ingrained in their very being, like they've been given some kind of manual on how to live, and I somehow missed out on it. I watch them most of the time, wishing I could understand how they manage it all so smoothly.

But no matter how much I try, I can't seem to replicate that same ease. I feel like I’m always overthinking, second-guessing myself, unsure of how to just be in the moment or chase after what I want without feeling like I’m stumbling over every step. It's as if there's this invisible barrier between me and them, and it feels so isolating. I can't help but feel embarrassed by my inability to just be the way they do, the way it comes so naturally to them. It eats me up inside, this constant comparison, and the more I watch, the more it becomes clear that something is missing within me, something I can’t quite put my finger on.

It’s as if I’ve spent my whole life looking for the key to unlock whatever it is that lets them move through the world, but I’m left without it. And it’s killing me, slowly, this feeling that I’m constantly falling short of expectations, both others' and my own. I wish I knew how to just be okay with myself, wishing I could be more like them. I wish I knew the secret to feeling like I belong, to having that kind of effortless grace in my own life. I just want to be okay