21/12/2024

Do you still feel completely and utterly alone? Do you still get the spark of stating something out loud only to be blown out by the waves of judgment, the side eyes, the humourly "What the hell Kayla?" Then you try to make up a reason for your satirical thinking. "No like I mean it like this", "I don't think you understand", "Wait didn't you used to do the same thing?", "I only did it because I think it's funny". The responses from your mouth crafted by years of asylum stated to the only chance you have at community yet...always...creating that impossible. Sure they move on but you never do, always replaying conversations in your head like photo albums, flipping through the pages and seeing who comes and goes throughout the conversation, only then noticing the faults that the flash creates, never knowing when to turn it off or keep it on. Sometimes it is better when it's on, in the dark, vulnerable, and it's easy to notice but in the day when it's masked by all the other bright lights, it is better to keep the flash to yourself. I was told recently that writing these is too personal for the public but no one reads them anyway, no one likes them so in a way it's not public but private only for me. If you are this person and you are reading this please don't try and understand my lack of skills with interaction. When you see how people can leave so easily in your life you realise that if you don't see them, then they don't exist. And for me at least it's better this way. But I hope future me that it's not, that you see them and they see you too.