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COLD OPENER
First blog entry, no introductions. Right into the meat and potaten, all serious. We do not laugh or have fun here. Put away your funny bone, undivided attention NOW!
i'm going into college this year and one thing i've told myself the past five years is, despite my yearning, i won't get a boyfriend (yuck) until i move into college and get to meet a million trillion people. like the entire time i've been like "yeah it happenin dont worry" but that was like. years ago. as of more recently i have been putting an itsy witcyu more thought into it and i'm realizing that i might be doomed and cooked and finished and what not. this is a really good way to lead into the main topic of discussion
raelationhsips of the romatic nature
these thing is too much for me hom you know.... in my opintion, and as i've always been able to see it, my ideal relationship is just being the super best friends with someone but then also you kiss and, uhbhhmmmm... *GULP!* Heh.... *pulls shirt collar* well, *arms instantly stained with sweat*... ultiomately the ideal realationship is being with someone you want to see every day and be completely open around and they are likewise. BUUUTT when i other relationships, however, perchance, I 9/10 times out of ten witness something and the instant reaction is "that is ending in ~2 months or they will live lives of misery". elaboration is required.
the typical relationship I see is, from my epstimations, born from either a need for physical contact, trying to chase the idea of a perfect relationionship, or wanting to fit in with everyone else. I've never related to that last one that's just what I've heard from older adults. I can get the other two, but it's strange to me that people don't just stop and think about the effort in committing into a whole relationship that isn't entirely awesome. perchance. Like I see people buying eachother so much stuff to prove their love?? I guess?? or like, calling on facecall 24/7. my brother does that with his girlfriend and it drives me so insane. i dont know about you but having a hot phone 5 inches from my face while i sleep that is making snoring noises would lead me to break something expensive (phone)
and oh my god dont even get me STARTED ON the whole testing eachother stuff. "Do you even love me?" "What would you do if I was a worm?(this one isnt that bad)" "Prove that you love me" even if it's playful it grinds my mother ppp pflipping gear. man.
Obviously there are a myriad of other reasons why people do relationshi.. but im just sayin. this is my blog and im just sayin. there are so many things i can yell about and say "i don get it" and skratch my big noggin about but my soul is starting to scream sitting down and thinking too long. all i'm sayin is, both parties being entirely fine with not seeing eachother for a couple days because they like alone time is awesome sauceum
When I said "epstimations" a few paragraphs above, I was not making a joke about the American financier, Jeffrey Epstein. That isn't funny. Be mature.
My ideal is like, being able to clock my lover in the face and then he clocks me in the face back and then we make out. like not even any attraction to pain just cause its funny and we're fine with it you'ya'know. transition into homovers
tomorrow morning, gay poepl coming to town
from like the entirely of my pre teenager years i didnt have like any attraction to anyone. like obviously, i was a kid. but in 1st grade kids were already saying "i have a girldriend" which in retrospect is entirely bizarre. but even into middle school i wasn't feelin it. like there was "ohh everyone has to get a girlfriend" and in the back of my mind i was like "ok" and let it sit on the backburner or whatever. because i was a woke army man at 11/12 i went far enought to confidently say that i was an asexual (thanks, Biden.)
i can't recall entirely when i found out i was a homosexual or what my gay awakening was but i'm pretty sure at like 13. i saw a gay relationship animation or something and was like "by god this is cute" and then i freaked out because that was gay. but during the whole time my views about these things have remained the same.
but this brings the curse that i try to keep ignoring but then i remember and i am sad then. its already fairly difficult to find a relationship that is like 99.1% purity. but then you gay. okay, maths. time.
google dot com says there are 300k gays in my state. awesome i dont think im ever going to even meet 100k people in general so that's a lot
but if half are woman because of ~50% male ~50% female then that cut in half. half men. so 150k gay men
gen z is like 25% of and i would rather live forever with someone my age and not with someone retiring in 20 years so that down to ~38k
38k gay men in total about is what i would say my option is dwiddled down to. albeit i am being petty and mean to myself but still. 38k is a lot if you talk a lot to people but then you tink "these gay men gotta be at least some similarities to me." i watch youtube and game and make bad jokes and listen to bad music and say poop a lot. im doomed brother
yesterday I said to my mom "what if i only showed sadnness/madness/anger/annoyance by doing this" and i jumped up and down and squealed and flapped my arms and she said that i "autismed out there"
anyyy wayy im bored i want to wrap this up
conclusion
thank you for reading if you read, i was goin to have thing be more sensical and well put together but its not happening folk. it very late at night i had a day of tredging though sludge and going to school and wokring. if you gay shoutout to you if you gay man super duper shoutout and lets be friends.
If not... heh. You're in the wrong place, bub.
i want to see if i can do these things maybe once a week and splat ideas here just to do some writing. this one sucks in terms of quality but i want to do justice to my favorite english teacher Mr N. because he was awesome and i need to pick writing back up. expect maybe more rants. maybe short stories. maybe art and generals. this was a crappy boring topic and cringe but if you are my friend i know that you are good and you are nice. it's a good place to write down a million things and just raw thought because god knows i can't articulate it through mouth
NEXT TIME TALKING ABOUT:
SOMETHING ELSE
(no more gay. i am not only gay i am a whole man a whole being and i can say anything)
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