the audience and the author, an introspection

I love writing. I love writing. I intend to pursue it in my impending adult life. but publishing makes me so nervous, and for what? if I know I am to publish a piece of writing, here or otherwise, it seems like a switch flicks in me that prevents me from giving it all that I strove for.

it can happen here, on SpaceHey or the wider internet; I take an idea and bang out a piece without fleshing it out, and thus I spend time lamenting what I could have added. but, I feel that the most significant devolving comes from classroom assignments.

does anyone else feel like this? I'm in a creative writing class right now, and whenever I'm assigned a piece, I end up rushing it or not giving it all that I would if I were doing it of my own volition. 

I'm writing about my first major spiritual experience for an assignment, and there's so much I want to talk about that I physically cannot bring myself to write, for some reason. I'm not afraid of this teacher: we know each other, she likes my writing, I know I won't offend her by talking about my experiences with deities. 

but, year after year, I cannot bring myself to do all that I conjure when an audience is around, be it my English teachers, my friends, my family, or you folk here on the internet.

I would love to hear your outlook.

Valerie Gitlow

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