POTS, Dysautonomia and Chronic Illness

I FUCKING HATE IT

I hate feeling so weak that I can't even get up and make myself food some days

I hate being so weak that I can't even shower some days
Going to the bathroom should not put me out of commission for the remainder of the day

Between gaslighting from doctors who don't know and think they know better, and educating doctors who know they don't know but are too novice to get it (yet are somehow in charge of entire emergency departments), and providers who won't listen, it is so hard to stay motivated.

Doing it all by myself is getting too much. It causes me soul crushing depression; which causes me further physical flareups; which makes my health worse; which causes MORE soul crushing depression; which causes me EVEN FURTHER physical flareups; which makes my health EVEN MORE worse; and repeat and repeat and repeat

Sometimes just existing is like a normal person trying to push a boulder up Mt Everest.

And the people I thought would be there, aren't. Even other disabled people who acted all supportive and then just abandoned me during my darkest moments.

There are days I just want to die. There are days I don't want to die, but my body tries to kill me. One day, I might just let it.

(except - the autonomic system which controls the cardiovascular system, pulmonary system, and everything else 'automatic' is what is shot - so when my body tries to kill me, it doesn't succeed; and I only wish for death because of how miserable I feel)