I want to love, but I can't love

Today I've been listening to people talk about love, about relationships, about “how do you know someone is the one.” And honestly, I can only keep quiet because I've never felt anything like that, anything real. I'm not saying I'm not interested, of course I am. But it seems like as soon as it starts, as soon as I feel a little bit of interest, poof, it fades away. It's like something inside me just isn't able to keep that fire alive, that thing people call love.

I want to live a romantic experience, but I don't know if I have what it takes. You hear others talk about sacrifices, about commitment, about responsibility, and I... I don't measure up. It's like something in me isn't made for this. And it hurts, it hurts because, despite everything, I want to love. I want to feel that warmth of having someone to care for, someone who cares about me too. I want to share my time with someone else so that the days don't feel so empty, so lonely.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Maybe life just doesn't want to give me that. I’ve accepted the idea of ​​being alone, but accepting it doesn’t mean I want it. Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck in an emotional limbo: I want to love, but I can’t. And I can’t love, but I want to.

I remember a quote I read from an old writer, I can’t remember his name (you see how my brain doesn’t retain these important things), but it said something like “this feeling is garbage.” And seriously, it is. This longing for something that seems unattainable, this struggle between wanting and not being able to, between dreaming and not having the strength to make it happen.

It’s weird because I feel like I have love, but I don’t know what to do with it. I keep it, I carry it on my back, I hold on to it. But I don’t share it. I want to love, I say it and I say it, but when I get close to someone, nothing happens. It’s like all the intensity just fades away. I love passionately, but never romantically. It’s like that kind of love isn’t for me.

I just want to spend my life with someone. To love someone, to be loved by someone. Is it too much to ask? I don't know. But what I do know is that this feeling, this mix of desires and frustrations, is shit.

I'll still be here, thinking, wanting, yearning. Even if I don't know if I'll ever get there.