Making friends is so hard :(

I know that probably the biggest reason I have no real irl friends that I can hang out with is because I am absolutely terrified of text conversations, just thinking about having to respond to a message about making plans makes me panic. I always feel like I'll sound like clingy or weird and the other person will screenshot it and send it around to a bunch of group chats to laugh at me. 

I know this is a silly thought and that all of my friends are actually really nice and would never do that but that doesn't make the fear go away. So I end up leaving people I care about and genuinely want to see on read for weeks at a time. I feel so bad about it and that just makes it even harder to respond.

This weekend, on Saturday a friend asked what I was doing over the weekend and I told him I had orchestra practice that afternoon but I was free the next day. I got super excited that I might be able to hang out with him but he didn't respond to my message instead just hearting it. I felt like I totally miss read the interaction and that he hadn't wanted to hang out but after telling another friend about it she told me I should ask him if he wanted to hang out. So I did. 

He said yes and suggested ice skating but his response was later at night so I didn't see it until the next morning. So at this point it's Sunday and I asked him when he'd want to go, he said in an hour which freaked me out! I get so stressed over last minute plans because I need time to mentally prepare before talking to people. Also the place he wanted to go was like 40 minutes away. Then he adds that the place doesn't do rentals so I tell him that means I can't go because I don't own my own skates. I think that is probably the end of the conversation and go to the library to read a book and don't check my phone until I get back.

When I check my phone I see he went to the place anyways and had called me so many times! I felt so bad and I have no idea where I could have miscommunication. I told him I was sorry and that I thought the plans had been called off and I hadn't been trying to blow him off and that if he could forgive me maybe we could make plans for the next weekend and since we would be making plans in advance he could iron out any problems before it's too late. He just said he would think about it. 

Making friends is so hard, sometimes I just want to go live in the woods all by myself and never talk to a real person again :(