26 is a bad number.

the lack of sleep got to my brain. i can't tell what's worse sometimes - the lack of thoughts in my head or the space that emptiness leaves. does that make sense? probably not.

i don't think i was meant to feel happy. i don't think i was meant to feel, in general. every emotion i feel wrings my body out like a wet towel. a sunset that's lost it's color, or a prescription bottle slowly emptying throughout the weeks that pass. these will words lose their meaning eventually. like all things do. everything fades and dies out.

i've been sad, lately. if that counts as what i feel. i'm not sure what counts and what doesn't.

sometimes i yearn for when things were simpler. where it was just me, 4-ish years ago - some random kid named mikey who's only goal was to make friends. and maybe make art along the way. funny how time changes. i still want to make friends, but i can't keep that up. i can't keep anything up. not even myself.

the name mikey lost it's meaning so long ago. i can't even recognize myself in it anymore. that shred of me has been torn beyond recognition, and now all i can associate it with is faint glimpses of memories i wish i could repress. memories i pray would leave me alone.

anyway. on a brighter note. the semester's over. i get to make some art again. i'm excited for that. maybe i'll do better this time. i hope i do. but we'll see.

staying hopeful, for now. x