HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

welcome back ppl!!!! its that time again for a SILLY lil blog post!!!! :333 i was gonna write some more psots these past few days but i got 2 eepy and fell asleep before it could happen LOLOL

its 12:27 am as im writing this and im gonna be talking abt some stuff abt FRIENDS!! this afternoon i met up with one of my good friendz who i hadnt seen irl since my areas local PRIDE event last june..... we still talk over discord p often tho and ive tried to still keep in touch or w/e!! we went to this chinese bakery place and it was p gud!! i had this hot dog bun thing that was rly tasty and also this spicy chciken roll thing that wasnt actually v spicy that i split with her and i also had this chicken egg noodle thingy but i coulnt eat it bc it had cilantro in it :((( it js tasted like soap and i dont wanna eat soap like wtf!!!! i felt bad bc i didnt wanna waste food but it couldnt be put in a box v easily since it had broth and came in a ceramic bowl and my frend didnt want it so i ddint kno what else to do with it :( i also wanted to look good while we were out so i dressed up a lil bit!!! i had a black jacket that was off my shoulders, a plain white t shirt, a black moon necklace, a pair of dark gray sweatpants, and a pair of converse!!!!! :DD its p baisc but hey look good feel good rite???? ^^

we also walked around the block while we were waiting for my dad to come and get me .... my ears were freezing and it was like 27 degrees out but its way better than the -17 degrees it was on tuesday earlier this week XDDDD the houses nearby were p cute ngl and one of them had a TRANS FLAG HUNG UP OUTSIDE!!! SO AWSOME!!!!

so yeah!!! fun stuff but i also couldnt help but feel like a lot of the way i was talking to her came off as rly awkward or smth... like ik im prob js overthinking this a lot but i do not want to come off like that at ALL and if i do then its over ...... i feel like i do this alot wbere ill say or do something that might make me be seen as weird or smth and then ill freak out over it when ppl prob dont care and then ill feel stupid bc im freaking out over nothing or a super normal thing that happens to ppl ..

ive also been thinking abt this a lot: how i still feel lonely often even tho i have friends that i love and see and talk to basically daily and idk why i feel the way i do .... anxiety is def a part of it and i remember taking some attachment style test and getting anxious preoccupied i think it was called???? so theres that :/ but i think some of it is also maybe not feeling like my friendships are intimate or smth like that?? like i dont rly have these super deep or loving or caring or thoughtful conversations often, i have sometimes with a few friends but nto often, and i think maybe that has smth to do with it too???? maybe some of it is also just not v realistic or wanting some kind of validation from others and not wanting to be seen as awkward like i talked abt above... i see ppl at my school talking and laughing and hanging out and huggin and stuff and i js...... i feel jealous.. rly jealpus. basically everyone ive talked to or hung out with has also had a partner at some point and i havent.. not even one and i think there was like one person who was interested in me at one point but i didnt even know their name..... and that also makes me deeply jealous and sad bc i feel like i wont ever be loved in that vry special kind of way and idk what to do abt that.. talking to ppl and joining clubs and trying to start conversation hasnt done much (tho obv talking to ppl bc you want to date them i think is weird... like lets just be friends and see if anyhting happens yk!!!) and again i fear i come across as awkward and bc of that awkwardness no one wants to talk to me... i dont think it s bc of the awkwardness specifically but no one has rly seemed interested in wanting to be friends with me or talk to me bc they wanna be friendsw ith me..... i can only remember like a few times that has happened in the last few years and they either didnt end well or went nowhere.... but thats a story for another time ig..... im hoping once i go to college my social life will get better and thats one of the things im most excited abt

idk i think its a weird mix of things that i should prob get help for but oh well. idk how to describe any of this well so this messy disorganized jumbled mess of a paragraph will have to do!!!! i think all of this is also why i find comfort in online spaces bc i can find ppl with the same interests as me and its also just way easier to talk over the internet i feel

ANYWAY im tired and when i stay up too late i start feeling anxious and like a pile of garbage so im going to bed now!! if its late wherever u r then u should too!!

byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

-sky