Hating myself

I personally don t have any idea of what job could i do 

i m in the school right know the next year i finish it 

the thing is that i don t go to school to often and there are big changes that i will fail

i ll try my best to go to school to finish it because the next year i move togheter with my girlfriend 

i have the change to learn mechanic and that s what i think i m gonna do because of my father 

but still the age of 18 is a big thing 

i don t feel really mature for my age even if i think alot about the future and i m soo stressed that i started being sick and i go to the doctor know 

i smoke alot and i also drink because the stress but i don t dirnk to be an alcoholoc 

idk what to do like i got my self some personal problems and i even started being scared but i don t know why 

since i know my self i was confidence and not anxious at all but know i fucked up

every morning i woke up with panic atac and is so stressful this 

i started to cut myself

i was feeling so bad because of this that i even told my gf what i was doing and she also told me to stop but she will not understand what i feel what pleasure and how i find my silence cutting me 

i don t really know what happened what kind of man am i if i cannot take care of me what about my gf and maybe future kids 

how am i gonna go to work if when i m around people i start to panic 

i m stopping from feelings my legs my amrs too and  i have soo bad senzation in my body 

i tried to go to psiholog but it didn t helped me at all i was at 6 dfiffrennts

even right know i shake as hell and is so hard to write all of this 

what should i do to stop all the fear that borned in me and all those panic attaks

i fucking hate myself for being like this 

where is my courage? where is my powerd my confidence and all i had when i was a kid 

why now it all just... vanished... ugh i m so angry because of me being this way