24.Nov 2021 ♡ the many forms of me that exist in this world

It makes me think about how i do things for others and i live for this image that i think exists for others to see, compared to the me that experiences, and reacts and thinks no matter where other people are in their life.

Today i continued watching evangelion (spoilers i think it was episode 14-15?)

and basically as shinji was sucked into this dark space of the angel and was alone, with nothing but himself, and the him that exists in all forms, the monologue he was having was really amazing.

He lived for the perception of others and that engulfed him deeply. He lived off of the small recognition of others.

I relate alot to that, i feel like even though i have things i love it feels like the "most important thing in life" is making sure you make sense to others or being "good" in an objective way.

But it's really weird because this episode made me think about my image and how not everyone can like me, it's not in my control. There will be people that won't like me just because i care so much about molding other peoples perception of me.

They will never see me the same way i do myself, because that would mean they would need to have experienced the same experiences i had, know the things i know, and generally think the way i do.

So then it just seemed ridiculous to care about wether random old or middle aged people in the bus hear me listening to aespa and think how bad my taste is because they only know this one moment that is me, which is filtered by their values and past experiences.

Fuck that, i also have standards, i want to live for my image and for my values, not for this made up "standard" i made up in my head. It seems so fucking stupid and like a waste of time now that i think about it, like I'm genuinely asking myself wtf i've been caring so much for.

I think the reason i cared so much is because people have feelings just like me, i tried to make myself small to not disturb in any way but actually now that I'm writing this my blood is BOILING because yes even tho i was dressing the way i want to and all i was still limiting myself. STILL???? 

Ik this is such a basic topic actually but like i think i've kind of seen today how this subtle way of being was so ingrained in my life, even if i saw myself as unique or already felt different, it's like in my head i was trying to make up to it but actually i dont care about those people wtf. I want to shed myself more and more and more and more until i can't even recognize myself anymore. 

But actually i kind of get why I've been like this, It's weird cus online i surround myself with people who think like i do and have similar values but in real life it's always surprising to see how different their pov is from mine. alot of times it feels like my irls live under this filter of the most easily accesable states of beings in a way and when i express things that aren't in their surconfrance (like what they consume every day) it's like I'm being vulnreble when i can't be absorbed with the kind of love i'd loved to be consumed as.

But i don't even love their povs either. Wait until i can meet my soulmates irl, i would love to connect. It just feels nice to have love in your life that is based on values.

But i think my brain tried to find that in the easiest way possible, which is in my literal surconfrance (i'm sorry the way i can't spell this word skdjf), but that literally doesn't serve me anything.

I'll let the right people be pulled torwards me and not force anything that doesn't fit my space. If the shoe doesn't fit it's not meant for me ig.

My classmate always says something like you can do anything if you put your mind to it or everything is up to you, and i remember like that fucking me up the past week, because i think that came from a pov that claimed that if you really care about something it will work out. But I've had so many moments when i tried to do things or get things a certain way but it failed because i was limiting myself to what i "knew" (what is seen as ok aka trying to fit myself into the current system which is capitalism), even if my intentions were "pure". I've had alot of moments where i found pretty shoes and tried to fit it so bad. But you know what, i think that shows I'm set out for so much more than i currently know and that what I'm meant to do here is going to be so much more grand and perfect than i can possibly imagine in my current state of being. It's scary going against the norm if that's all you can see or you're surrounded by. that's why it's so important for me to be surrounded by likeminded people that support my ideas and values.

Anyways this is sooo long, lol it's a bit personal... I'm not used to sharing so much since anyone can see it no matter what they think which is alos scary because there will always be someone that thinks the opposite way as you.. so I'll just not care. Because the most importan thing for me is finding likeminded people. And the only way i can do that is when they can see that I have the same values. I have to express them