Weekly 4 (These titles arent at all cohesive and I am not sorry)

Lately I have been playing on my 3DS and DS lite a lot. My 3DS is lovingly homebrewed by my husband and I have an R4 living in my DS lite. My journey of decentralization hasn't been an easy one, and often I fall back to the easier way of living that I have slowly grown into.

It isnt always easy to make the choice to make things harder on yourself. It is so much simpler to pull my phone out, open tumblr, scroll, suspend tumblr, open discord and chat, return to tumblr etc. Than it is to sit down at my desk, boot up my pc, open discord on my second monitor, open tumblr/youtube/whatever on my main and play a game on my ds/3ds. 

It is so habitual to not fully engage with the media I am consuming, to just mindlessly scroll barely taking in the scenery, missing the trees for the forest (to reinvent a saying) I think we, as people, have grown too fond of the big picture and no longer take in the small details, the finer things in life. The moments when life breathes out, the seconds of silence between hours of chaos. 

We allow the net to be a constant stream of whatever we want. It manipulates us. It is controlled. Going web crawling is slow, and methodical. It's purposeful. Going to neocities, or scraping around spacehey, reading thru blogs and websites. Clicking links, taking the time to truly appreciate things rather than the endless stream of content prepared hot and fresh for you by instagram or youtube or facebook or, yes, even tumblr.

I dont think there is any way to fully escape it and I dont think that is a necessity. But the lesson is mindfulness. Tedium, non pejorative. Allowing yourself to sit down and page through a website the same way you'd dedicate time to reading a book. Your full attention is on the nuance of the thing. Remembering what was encountered rather than catatonically swiping up on tiktok or whatever you choose.

I dont want this to be some damning introspective thing. It isnt. Finding joy is different for everyone, and this is just my journey. Your journey could and should be catered to yourself.

I find a lot of inner peace with a ds in my hand. I spent an ungodly amount of time playing pokemon pearl on my pink ds lite as a kid, so much so that my mother would take it from me for "playing too much". It was an escape, just as the internet is. A world that took me from the dark and often times hostile place I called home, and showed me love and adventure. 

As an adult, that comfort is still present. Just the sound of the console turning on lightens the burdens I carry. It is symbolic of a calm spring day. Much like this youtube video which feels like childhood. 

My journey for finding joy is deeply rooted in living out a childhood stolen from me, 

enjoying the little things, collecting trinkets and stuffed animals. 

For much of my childhood, I had to be tough. I am the oldest and had to protect my siblings. 

I decided that I couldnt be girly, that I had to look strong to be strong. I was very much an emo kid, black clothes, anime messenger bags, smudged black eye makeup. Pink was not something I wanted to be associated with. But now, as an adult, living in a safe and welcoming home, I can embrace my desire for more "feminine" things. 

Hell, my entire pc setup is pink, including my drawing tablet. I found and purchased the Disney Princess CRT and DVD player I had as a 7yr old child. These things bring me joy. They allow me to live the life I should have been living some 13 years ago. Most importantly, however, are the people I have chosen to surround myself with. 

My husband has been nothing but supportive. He knows who I am to the core and loves me for it. I am no longer hiding myself. I am encouraged to do what makes me happy, to be as loud and expressive as I feel. My emotions are never too much, I can allow my inner child to experience the world as she should have. 

I can never replace what was taken from me, but I can live the life I deserve. And that life is filled with stuffed animals, fluffy blankets, pink computers and love.