"I wasn't made for it."

Hello hello hello it's been many months!!! I pull away from the internet in the winter, I solely exist as an observer. Anyway

Are we meant for the things we get? Are our paths predetermined?

Something in me wants to believe we're not. I want to believe so badly that I can choose certain things, but I know I was not meant to love someone, wasn't meant to be loved. I think I realized this long before I was aware of it. Something about me isn't right, something is destroyed or absent entirely. My understanding of the world is not in depth at all, but I understand myself to an extent. I was deep in love with a girl about a year ago, maybe that was it. I wrote over 30 pieces about her, countless drawings and paintings and this and that, and she gave me nothing. I never showed her anything I made her, I never told her at all until it was already over. She knew already anyway. One of the "friends" I had at the time had told her, knowing how ashamed I was of it. Knowing I wanted nothing less than for her to know that I loved her. I believed that I was allowed to love her. Since then, since the love I had careened into nothing, I've sort of believed that it wasn't meant for me. I can kick and scream and cry all I want, but I will never love. I won't deserve it. I've said it to my best friend so many times, I just wasn't made for it. I wasn't made to get married or be held or be soothed when I cry. I was made to watch the love around me. I was made to watch it hang just out of reach. And I want so badly to deserve it. I want to understand what's wrong with me. I want to understand why I can't be normal. Everybody else can love. Everybody else can hold hands and kiss gently and hold bodies and kiss harshly, and I can't. Is it my body? Too sharp to be held? Is it my soul? A soul I cannot change? I could write a list of things that make me inherently unable to be romantically loved, and I need to accept that it won't happen for me. But do I? Do I need to? Do I need to repeat it on my knees, in the mirror until I get it? I don't want to. Part of me, at least, doesn't want to. I want to believe that someone exists who will take me as I am and love me. I want to believe that I can have all I want. I do want to get married, I do want to have an eye that can look at someone and see a wife or a husband. I want the same for the person who looks at me. 

So the answer to the question is a resounding I don't know, but I know I'm tired of watching people so easily reach the things that I have been scaling mountains for. 

Wake up tomorrow,

M