Through the Looking-Glass 🪞

When I peer into my black obsidian looking-glass, I find myself doom-scrolling deeper

and 

deeper 

down 

the 

rabbit 

hole.

I, now a time-traveler, am taken back several years into the past. 

“Oh, the places you’ll go”, they once said.

“Oh, the places you’ll see”, they once said.

But what they never said was, “Oh, the places you’ll miss.”

But what they never mentioned was, “Oh, the people you’ll miss.”

Stuck in the neverending passage of time, I long for a neverland that once was and the person I am nevermore. 

A face I’ve since forgotten, but a face that has remained unchanged: Did I really use to smile like that before?

“Curiouser and curiouser,” she once said.

She should have known that

Curiosity killed the cat.

My past-self’s smile warps and contorts into a cheshire cat’s grin, fangs and all.

Swallowing me whole as though I have an “Eat me” label attached, I find myself falling farther

and

farther

down

the

worm

hole.

Lost in time and space, 

I have wandered back to Wonderland;

My birthday now a very merry unbirthday

Neverland a reverie unremembered

Joining the Lost Boys,

We’re all mad here. It is only a matter of time until you, too, become as mad as a hatter.

Dragged to a Wonderland tea party, 

With bizarre rules and even more bizarre guests,

I play a high-stakes game as the others watch with greedy anticipation.

The Queen of Hurts with an ace up her sleeve and me wearing my heart on my sleeve, I try to win this zero-sum game. 

Tweedledee jeers in my ear, “Fold, fold, fold!”

Tweedledum cheers in my other ear, “All-in, all-in, all-in!”

The Queen sneers at my face,“Tick-tock goes the clock.”

Dealt a bad hand, 

My head in the game, 

“Focus 

Focus 

Focus”, 

I fear.

Found a puzzle,

Lost my mind—

……

…………wait…………

What 

was 

Neverland 

again?

When I peer into my black obsidian looking-glass once more, the looking-glass gazes back at me:

Wondering, what on earth has gone wrong?

All this for a happily never after,

A Neverland that once was but never will be,

A Wonderland that is and only will be,

Neverland is nevermore and Wonderland is forevermore.

Author’s note:

Basically dis jus me looking through my phone camera roll from several years ago and missing the girl I used to be LMAO

I took inspiration from Alice in Wonderland, Peter-pan and Dr. Seuss, all fond childhood stories that are now re-interpreted into the lens of a jaded adult.

Context:

I found an old video of myself from 2022 and I was smiling so much, not caring about my appearance and being my authentic self without a care in the world. I don’t think I can smile so happily again, knowing the things that I know now. I mean, I still be smiling and giggle-gaggling but the light doesn’t reach my eyes anymore. I don’t think I can recall a time within the past 3 years where I genuinely beamed as brightly as I did in that video. Seeing myself like that… I couldn’t help but tear up because that girl is dead and gone forever. What did she even do to deserve this? I kind of lost my mind this past year (2024). I had a manic phase where I was doing things I never did before but now, I’m retreating back from enemy lines and reserving my energy for only the people and passions that already have a place in my life. I lost myself in the game, taking on endeavors that I thought I needed to do because I am an adult. As a consequence, I’ve strayed further and further from the person I once was. A couple months ago, I remember looking in the mirror and asking myself, “Who tf am I anymore?”. But there’s no going back now, not when so much has changed. Rest in peace 2022 me. Out of all the past versions of myself, you were my favorite. I’ll love you, forever and always.