[jan 24, 2025] loneliness

imagine:

you're well liked. you have many people around you, people you deem trustworthy. people you'd call your friends. they want to spend time with you, they want to get to know you even better than they already do and most importantly, you actually enjoy their company. the relationships don't feel one-sided, you get as much as you give.

still, for as long you can remember, you've felt this deep, aching loneliness inside. at times you do feel content with the relationships you have. but more often you seem to sink into the despair, thinking, "why does no one understand me the way i'd like them to? how can it feel so impossible for me to form a connection where i'd feel fully content, understood and cared for?"

you constantly seek new connections with people. you get to know someone, you really enjoy their company. they seem like the type of person who you've been looking for, someone who really, really, gets you. but eventually you'll get a reality check. it does not feel that perfect anymore. they are not flawless after all. they do not really understand. and then the cycle repeats.

at some point you start to wonder if you're just doomed to repeat the same pattern again and again for as long as you're still breathing. is it even possible for you to be truly happy with your relationships?

you know it's not fair to the people around you. you know they care. you know they do their best. you know you're only human yourself, you can't blame others for not being able to read your mind, for not being able to be exactly what you're looking for. do you even actually know what it is that you're expecting of them?

you try your best to appreciate the people around you, to remember: hey, things could be a lot worse. but you can't help yourself. you've tried. you've really tried. you constantly go around looking for answers, searching for someone like you, trying to fill the void inside you. you don't know if there's a single person on this planet who could possibly understand how it feels like. but you keep looking. maybe one day you'll feel at peace with what you have.



/ just some thoughts i wrote while not focusing on my lecture. the joys of remote lectures! i guess i'll try to be a little more positive next time, lmao... anyway, does anyone know any good and active online communities i could join? i'm really yearning for some human interactions lol.
♡: berry