journal entry [01/23/2024]

i'm pretty shit at journaling with pen and paper so this might be better.

the red wings finally won today which was already great, but on top of that my favorite player scored and my least favorite player was out with an injury. it lightened my mood a lot because the past week has been absolute ass. i've been really dysphoric lately and the current state of the US government isn't helping.

the only thing i've really been looking forward to is the summer. my friend + her little brother are gonna help me shave my head for the first time. it's a huge change considering my hair has been a huge part of me my whole life. i think i'm ready for this change tho cause it signifies a lot of things. for one, it represents a new me. i finally have a name that i love and i'm slowly but surely coming out as trans to people i know in real life. it also just represents a new phase in my life. i finally have friends who love me for me and actually want to hang out with me. it's stupid but they actually make an effort to make sure i'm included in stuff if they can help it.

i'm struggling a lot with college lately. i can't seem to focus on anything and i know it's because of the adhd but if i talk to a doctor about it i feel like i'm gonna sound stupid. i've been masking for so long and just getting by that my family thinks i'm fine and that i'm just lazy. i'd love to be able to sit down and write a paper no problem but i can't even sit down with the writing i do for a hobby without getting distracted. 

i know i'm only 20 but i feel so behind in life. hell, i've felt stuck for god knows how long now. i have a respectable major but i really wanna go into sports journalism but i can't get a coherent thought out to save my life. on top of that, i don't wanna make two things i love into my career. love writing and i love love hockey but i don't wanna end up hating them down the line.

i could go on and on but another good thing that happened to me is that monster dropped a new flavor and it's really really good. it tastes like blue jello which is awesome.

idk how to end these things but i'm done rambling for today