01/23/2025

have not posted for a month and a half even thoug i have had things to say because i was up to some serious birthday and christmasing and playing and then i was up to some serious grinding and have as of late been up to some serious working and also playing and hanging out as well

i had a very triumphant 23rd birthday ; my good budys came to hang out and we ended up watching god’s not dead which was hilarious. rice also made me some delicious blue birthday cupcakes and we had monical’s with the dooliuses the night before after we did the yearly night-before-my-birthday east peoria lights display adventure

christmas came not too long after and i had some fun loot under the tree .. rice got me a wii and hacked a bunch of games onto it ; i’ve since been faithfully playing animal crossing city folk and i’ve also gotten into a rhythm game rice told me i might like called rhythm heaven fever ; it’s fun except when i fuck up it’s annoying. domino rally which is probably the most annoying game on planet earth was on there per soup’s recommendation and i did find it hilarious. on new years i started my routine fresh super mario galaxy playthrough on wii this time but as i have been guilty of the past few years i have not picked it up again since. even though i’ve mainly been playing just animal crossing on it lately the wii is just fun as a console ; i like holding a wii remote and i don’t think any other mariokart hits the same as mariokart wii. i’ve also asked a few friends to make miis on there and played a few solid rounds of wii sports tennis and bowling and mario super sluggers

a couple days after new years we had tucker over and watched i saw the tv glow and brokeback mountain back to back, both of which were a first watch for me ; it was nothing short of Emotionally Harrowing but i loved both ; i have yet to revisit either but i think i saw the tv glow was an instant favorite. both of those movies are essentially fucking queer and gut wrenching and genuinely leave you fucking thinking and watching them back to back was an experience

i saw the tv glow’s allegory is clear as day and painful ; even so i recommend it wholeheartedly. in addition to the actual plot of the movie i was in awe of the colors and the environmental storytelling ; everything spoke for itself and created a setting that was remarkably immersive. i can’t say enough good about it and if i keep going i’ll basically mention every single aspect of the movie and say it’s good. extremely well executed and powerful

brokeback mountain was also great but ennis piss me off a little even though i fully understand why he’s like that

next it was lennon’s turn to have a birthday and it coincided with what i spent the month grinding to put together :

this shit was honestly so fucking surreal and weeks later i struggle to have the words for it or believe it actually happened and i did it. this was basically the best night of my life so far i think and i got to host & play with some of the best bands in the entire world that i love so very dearly

:’)))))))) <3

this show was a monumental achievement for me & i’m grateful and shocked beyond words to have made it to this point, personally and with the band ; before i even had any idea of an in real life scene or of music in central illinois & peoria it was my Dream to be part of such a vibrant loving musical community and to foster trans community & love here at home ; it will never stop being the wildest thing ever that all that is real now and that people fuck with what i’m doing or that i’m even actually doing anything at all. every day i get closer to being the person i’ve always wanted to be and it means everything to me to have this chance to be and spread the love i want to see in the world

i finished beyond policing and found it very insightful !! a lot of abolition efforts center on transformative justice, which is the process of addressing the root causes of a situation and meeting an unmet need to prevent future instances of harm rather than using punitive efforts, which often don't provide actual justice to those harmed, in the wake of an incident. the carceral establishment relies on the ideas that cops & police presence = safety and punishment = justice, both of which, more often than not, fail to be the case.

the carceral establishment relies on criminalization ; the book proposed an idea that i had never thought about before, which is that crime is not a default state but a construct. actions must be criminalized to qualify as crime and be punished as such, but they don't have to be, and many actions that are criminalized are criminalized with the intention of criminalizing the poor and racially marginalized and their survival. abolition can begin with decriminalization of entire classes of offenses and reducing opportunities for police contact with the public, such as removing police from schools and traffic.

the main point the book wants to drive home is that police are violence workers of the state ; police do not provide safety or peace to the public, but rather protect those deemed worthy (most often based on capital and/or race) and protect profit, and use threat or possibility of violence to remain in control. the book also highlights many alternative community programs throughout the US that address any range of issues from mental health to conflict resolution to drugs and more. abolition is possible. in our communities, we need to shift our mindsets from ones of fear and anger to ones of empathy, love, and community care, and identify needs in our communities and meet them. the process will not be short or linear but we need to approach our world with love and have the courage to imagine and create a healthier world.

since finishing beyond policing i've started reading the book "have a good trip: exploring the magic mushroom experience" by eugenia bone. it's serving as a break into something more lighthearted after a lot of very dense serious material in the past few months (i intend to continue reading about trans history and have a list of a few books to check out) and also to satiate a growing curiosity. i'm enjoying it so far

following the conclusion of the most recent chapter "you'll all be sorry," i've also been rereading the webcomic what happens next by max graves from the beginning. i found it this year sometime in the middle of the chapter and have been completely enraptured by it and hanging on every word ever since. there are a lot of characters and storylines going on but the basic idea is it's about transgender, gay, illinois, true crime, and online. it follows milo, who was an accomplice to a murder at age 15 that was committed by his friend griffin, who killed two girls and is now in prison, and various other characters intertwined in the murders, the aftermath, online fascination with the crimes, and the politics surrounding it all.

the most recent chapter is an apology video from a true crime youtuber, vikki, who became friends with milo under the guise of curiosity about the murders and more or less feigned oblivion to the situation as a whole, and ultimately betrayed his trust. vikki posted interviews with milo, which were in violation of his agreement with his family to keep the situation private, and refused to take them down even after milo was doxxed by weirdos on kiwifarms. before this chapter i kind of hated vikki but over the course of the chapter and especially at the end, i wouldn't say she was completely vindicated, but i have hope for her potential betterment as a person. the chapter also provided a lot of exposition and backstory for her character so i understand her a lot better now when before i wasn't able to see her as much besides a villain.

the comic is written with remarkable authenticity to trans and online experience ; each character is clearly written with care and attention to detail. each is very morally and psychologically complex and most of them are really written to piss you off half the time but that makes it all the more real and i respect it. it's not a necessarily fun or light read but i love it & wholeheartedly recommend it, it's very down to earth even and perhaps especially in its pessimism. i've been reading a lot of the artist's answers on the nearly defunct anonymous question asking website retrospring (which i had never heard of before seeing him use it) and in a recent answer he described a main idea of the comic being "living in the wake of disillusionment" ; i would say it's captured very well. i also like that it's primarily set in illinois cuz i get to point at it and go "mentioned"

i have been big into the kate bush album "the sensual world" ; it is very pretty and wintry sounding. i don't know how she did it but every album i hear from her is so distinct from the others in vibe and style ; this also exactly mirrors the way i discovered and got into the kick inside last year, throwing it on at random just cuz i hadn't heard it before and finding it to be both goated and very seasonally appropriate and not being able to stop listening to it. my favorite track, which has been my favorite instantly from the first listen and hasn't changed, is reaching out ; i also love love and anger and deeper understanding. this woman's work is an incredible gut wrenching closer. the album is fantastic through and through i love the synths

lennon came over last night and we watched psycho i fucking love that movie it rocks. lennon and morgann have also been getting us all into poker and we've played texas hold em a couple times, first following a karaoke bar outing we did for lennon's birthday, most recently on sunday with jenny and emi ; it is enjoyable. emi is also fucking absolutely cracked at poker somehow

i made the awesome decision to get my own synth recently and i have been having great fun with it and actually recording some stuff on my own. i'm being quiet about it for now because i want to incorporate these into more formulated ideas and also come up with a more competent title than "epic drone" and have an actual alias to release under but i currently have an a side b side single of solo music unlisted on youtube (below)

the drone track is my first synth program ever and my first solo recording. it's the same thing until about 7 minutes in because i loved the tone so much. i like this track a lot as is i just want a better title

the second track is the winter wonderland tape, a field recording project. as i mentioned earlier, i am an east peoria festival of lights enjoyer. and that's putting it very lightly ;

this is me almost 2 months later letting you know i never finished this and it's been sitting here private i'm making it public now