Back to School

Right now (Sunday, Jan. 20th) I’m riding the train back to my college town. Classes start on Tuesday, which is almost unbelievable. When winter break started, the month felt like it stretched out endlessly in front of me. I’m leaving that month back in my hometown like a middle school t-shirt as I speed away off into the sunset on this damn train.

I feel conflicted. I like the independence of living in my own apartment for most of the year, but my college experience so far has been quite neutral. I don’t party. I’ve made a handful of friends that I like fine enough. Nothing BAD happens to me, but nothing great happens either. It’s just okay, but I’m unsatisfied. I want to be actively good, like so many of my hometown friends have it at their colleges. I don’t want to transfer, because I’m scared that I’M the problem, not my school, and this feeling will just follow me wherever I go. It’s followed me onto the train, so who knows how long or how far it will keep following me.

I just deleted my TikTok, so I’ve got a lot of time on my hands now. It’s a new year and a new semester, and it feels like so much is changing. My youth group leader from high school is expecting a baby in April. I found out yesterday, and that makes me feel old (I went to her wedding!). I don’t feel very positive about the future, but I don’t know what it is that I might be afraid of. I don’t know what I want. From other people, from myself, or for my life. I shouldn’t be so negative… I want to have a good semester. I’m going to make an effort to have fun, enjoy myself, and learn along the way.