My Fathers biggest regret "He couldn't save me"

But the actual jagged truth about it is, if I was under his roof during those formidable years of my life I would have ended up ki//ing myself/
He's sad and heartbroken that he never knew what was going on behind closed doors at my Mothers house where I rebidded, where she had sole custody and I only was seeing my Father on the weekends.
He believes that the Trauma I endured from her is what I truly suffer from, and it's something he wishes he could have stopped.
But my Father is/was an Authoritarian, which would never match with the type of brain I am equipped with. I don't just blindly follow orders into the dark, I want things to be a collaboration; like I'm involved, like what I have to say is heard and like I retain my autonomy.
In my earlier years my Mother got be diagnosed with ODD: Oppositional Defiance Disorder.
(Along with a long slew of other diagnosis's that we'll get into at a later time in future blogs, and a dabble in this blog)
When I finally became an Adult and go to control my own psyche evaluations instead of having my Mother poisoning them I came to find out I have PDA Autism (Pathological Demand Avoidance Autism)

Authoritarian Father and an inconsistent, stressed out, high screech abusive Mother. My back was against the wall growing up, being slowly snuffed out by my parents closed minds and loud mouths. As much as years of DV was absolutely horrible, my Mother was in an "Urban" town, slighly populated and plenty of places to walk to and hide, or seek refuge.
My Fathers home on the other hand was in super deep country and the closest thing to use was a corner store and that was 2+ miles away. 

Yes I got Be@t by my Mother, but I also had places to go, to run to, finding sketchy friends or people or lovers due to the urban aspect of her town. I always laugh and say

"Neither parents raised me, it was the streets and me raising ME.


***Will continue this thought on future blogs, but we are ending here so my brain can take a little break.