You know what..? I'm gonna use those as a public Diary 😂

As per my last entry, I really think it feels quite liberating to be able to just word vomit whatever I wanna say on the internet, being almost anonymous, and maybe, hopefully not to be judged for it? 🤔 

I wish my friends had spacehey too, but at the same time it's cool to meet new people and be able to be, just me without any expectations whatsoever? 

I'm just the nerdy, artsy, chubby girl, obsessed with art, movies, TV shows, reading and music. Nothing more nothing less. And I'm strangely perfectly fine with this? 

I always give so, so much to everyone in my life, my friends, my family.... And I'm just. Shat on. Perpetually ignored, not valued and forgotten about. It's gotten lonely. Sad somehow. 

My ADHD has been hard to manage and my loneliness has gotten really... It's gotten difficult to bear. But I'm doing my best. 

I'm constantly scared out of my mind if losing the one, MOST IMPORTANT BEING In my life, my dog, Merlin. He's like the best thing that has ever happened to me, and he's turning 9 years old in August and I'm just not ready!... The older he gets the more terrified of losing him I get. I'm getting up in the middle of the night, checking to see if he's still breathing, sometimes bothering the poor thing by poking him just to BE CERTAIN. 

He's fine for now, apparently doing great, despite a few health issues, but the vet getting into my head that he could get cancer of the testicules and him telling me to operate on him, and to have them removed (surgery that will cost almost 500€, when I can barely afford food...) just got me paranoid. I do think I've become pathologically dependant on his being here, since I don't really have anybody else there with me... 

Ugh, no I promised myself I wouldn't get pathetic on there. 

Being disabled and not working (except on my small art buisness) doesn't help either. I won't go into the details of my health issues but let's just say I have so many chronic illnesses that at this point it's a bingo card and not a health report... (I gotta write it down when I go to the doctors office because I'm scared of forgetting a condition... Believe me, it's happened a few times 🤦🏻‍♀️) 

Anyways. Other than that, today I ALMOST worked. But then my adhd got in the way. I have been meaning to write a description for social media post but it has to be sooo perfectly tailored, and not a word vomit of a post like this one (it comes sooo easy compared to having to think carefully about every word) that I just gave up. It's tiresome. I know I probably would be able to do it if I found the motivation but like, UGH!?? just the thought of having to try to concentrate and understand how which sentence has what impact on clients, is tiresome as heck. 

I also got frustrated about a drawing that I can't finish because I'm not good enough. And. Yeah it's. UGH 

Oh and, Merlin who never does anything bad, has actually eaten part of my old Nintendo 2ds and now I can't play with it anymore (the joystick) and I usually play everyday before bed, so it annoyed me a lot...! I even felt a little angry, but I didn't show it cause he never does anything bad sooo 🤷🏻‍♀️.... 

This post is so boring I'm sorry 😂 (another bad trait about myself. I'd apologize for breathing if it wouldn't be seen as so weird 🤡)... 

Alright, anyway, if anyone read that 😂 I wish you a very good day!