rattlesnake monkey monkey underpants.

I often reference this Gilmore Girls scene https://youtube.com to describe to others what its like in my mind. I obviously do not verbalize my every thought like this, it would be a chore in of itself, however on an occasion i take the time to write notes out to myself in which the contents doesn't matter. I simply write exactly what I'm thinking as it comes to me. Below is a note from a few weeks ago I wrote in the midst of a panic attack, the first one I've had in months. Its not well written, and shows off the many illogical thoughts i can have in a moment. I wasn't going to blog it because i didn't want it to seem like fear mongering. But I know when I see someone post something about how their feeling and I relate, it can be very comforting knowing I'm not alone.

January 7th 6:58pm

I'm in a constant state of terror and horror thinking about the state of the world and how we have a fascist rapist taking office in a few weeks and how everyone he has elected into his cabinet and throughout the political sphere are all related to him in some capacity, or are part of the wealthiest groups of people in the entire world, and most of them have no political experience nor do they have the peoples best interest at heart. We are the closest to world war 3 that we’ve ever been before which includes nuclear war which would literally wipe entire continents off the face of the earth in seconds flat and both Russia, north Korea and China are building up there nuclear weapons more and more rapidly and knowing my luck I wouldn’t be in the immediate blast zone of a nuclear warhead so i wouldn’t die quickly i would first watch everyone i know and love die horrific deaths before slowly dying from rotting from the inside out after radiation poisoning and breathing in nothing but chemicals. On top of that trump is going to try and pull the united states out of NATO meaning we would have absolutely no backup from the NATO country’s if god forbid a war was to break out. Everything is so expensive it’s impossible to afford anything anymore and the greed of the corporations that control almost everything in America such as our food will only continue to jack up prices. All of our food is poisoning us anyways everything is constantly being recalled and our food is filled with microplastics and chemicals. Bird flu is spreading which is going to gravely affect the bird population which will in turn affect our food production which will jack up the prices of eggs and dairy even more. So many other sickness are running rampant again and it will only get worse because people are brainwashed and think everything’s a hoax. And as everything evolves so do our diseases making them more deadly and contagious. Speaking of deadly diseases the disease that the last of us game is based off of is a real thing and as i said when we evolve so do diseases meaning it’s entirely possible for there to be an outbreak leading to a dystopian apocalypse sometime in my lifetime. All it takes is for the cordyceps to mutate and I’ve even seen scientists prove that cordyceps have already mutated, infecting some species that it never has before. Trump is also going to try and make himself a king ending presidential terms meaning he would never leave office and even after he dies his family would continue to run the country along with the powerful 1% who own all of the wealth and they will do everything in there power to turn this country around in the opposite direction implementing extremely dangerous laws that would threaten the life’s of millions of women, lgbtq+, trans folk, black and brown people, disabled people, etc. But i can’t leave the country for many reasons including that i can’t afford to, I would be leaving completely on my own leaving all my loved ones behind, and I don’t know where I would even go because no place is really safe, all country’s are facing the threats of war and are oppressive in there own ways already. So is there even a point in leaving? And if everyone who wants to leave did leave anyways then this country wouldn’t make any progress or change so leaving doesn’t do any good in the long run, but does that even matter if we all die? But were not going to die, were just going to live miserably. But I "shouldn’t be worrying about all of this because threats are always looming and i have to live my life and not be worrying constantly because worrying constantly is bad for you and you cant worry about things you can't control."

How was the glimpse into my mind, horrifying right? Well living in it can feel like a prison sometimes. Cold, lonely, and scary. I try to remember the mind that thinks the above thoughts also thinks wildly complex thoughts about love, passion, and creativity. That thought can sometimes provide me a sliver of solace when I'm struggling. Sometimes it doesn't. 

take care of yourself, with love, ally.