anxiety

I've struggled with hardcore anxiety since i was a little girl.. before i could even remember tbh and ive always had a very very very very extremely hard time talking to people and it feels like no one in the world could ever understand. I've never been able to talk to people and its inconvenienced me in every way it possibly could. i can't even speak to my family members I've known my whole life. however, the past couple years i have improved and i have gotten so much better and im very proud of myself for this however i am deathly afraid that im not going to make it in the world, this thought crosses my mind everyday. im almost 18 and i just learned how to order my own food (i can barely do this). i think this is because i am an only child and my mom never made me do anything for myself, she has always done every single thing for me and still does, i was extremely spoiled and overprotected by her and this has done so much damage to my life however i am very blessed for this, its hard to comprehend fr. anyways lets get to the point of me writing this.. when im at home or by myself i feel like im the funniest, smartest, best person ever (not to be cocky or anything) but when i get in a room with other people they can't see this and i can't get it out. i can't be the person i see myself as no matter how hard i try and it makes me physically sick that i can't do the one thing that makes me happy. another thing is, when im with someone who ik im "smarter than" i act like im dumb so they dont think im being rude or that i think im better than them, even though ik i can do something better than them, i feel so stupid and helpless and i dont want them to feel that way. hopefully this makes sense lol im just writing my thoughts here... so yeah. there's so much more i want to say but i can't find the words,,, 

xoxo tiana